quarta-feira, 11 de agosto de 2010

An emotion experienced by many and enjoyed by few.

There's a lot on my mind right now, but there's not that much coming out.

I can't be with whom I want to be with and it kills me. Despite everything, the glimmer of hope that this time it could be different, it just won't be. And tonight, I feel pathetic for letting my feelings be known, for letting myself be hopeful, for believing that being in love, trusting people is actually worth it.

People say a lot of things. Most of it is not what they end up doing.

Again, I don't know why I care. In about two weeks time, everything comes together. I'll finally know where I stand personally and professionally. I just wish I was there already.

When you care, you care, and the little things carry a lot of weight. Too bad I'm the only one seeing it at the moment.

It's not like the last few days were bad, they weren't. I finally came to terms with my own feelings and I finally let myself accept that I'm in love with someone that means the world to me. Sure, the circumstances aren't easy to deal with... but it's not like that ever prevented me from going ahead with it. Still, there's a lingering doubt in the air. I said it was a long shot and I let myself go with it, so I have to simply accept it and move on. I won't let the doubt consume me, though.

I may be in love, but I'm not about to let go of everything in pursuit of something elusive. Those days are long gone. So, if by any chance, I get the blessing of being loved back, great, it's something I won't let go of. But if I don't, I figure it will take at least as much time for me to love again, as this last time. And honestly, if that happens, I hope it's this time that I'll become a womanizing bastard.

"Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference."


sábado, 7 de agosto de 2010

Coming in a mess, going out in style.

A lot of time to think, that's what I had today. I know it's all I've been doing, and I know I really shouldn't, but I can't help it now, can I?

In any case, it wasn't all that bad. I did get to realize what I have to do tomorrow, to put an end (hopefully) to my misery and doubts.

I was never one to hide my feelings, my true intentions. Few people will actually believe me, but being true of heart and perfectly well intended never really helped me. As they say and I often quote, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. It sure seems to be, as I've been to hell and back several times, at least in my mind.

Tomorrow, I pour my heart out. I can't think of the consequences, I only have to be true to myself, true to what I feel is right, true to my feelings.

I guess I'll see if the pains of being true and pure of heart are worth it... because I just want them to go away...

quinta-feira, 5 de agosto de 2010

Victims of ourselves.

This hasn't been my easiest week, by far. Still, as it's about to end, I can't help but feel oddly... okay, for lack of a better word. Sure, my attention has been somewhat divided between my studies and my personal woes (actually tilting heavily to the latter), but I feel I *might* do ok on my test. I have the skills and I don't actually fear the competition or how hard it can be. My fear, as usual, isn't about the things themselves, but about what may result from it, as I'm always, always, one step ahead of the curve.

So, in a few words, my week was all about my impending doom due to having feelings, for a change, *and* my imminent failure in the test that would heavily influence my future.

It took me a whole week to figure it out... but neither situation will be the end of me. Sure, it may trouble me to no end, feeling something for someone who doesn't necessarily feel the same way about me, and not exactly knowing what it is I feel. And yes, I don't really have much of an option except doing well on my test. But what the hell... I can't overthink everything. What will happen, will happen... and I may try and change the outcome, but I can't really control everything that is about to happen. I really can't know what will happen a month, a week, days from now. I should hope for the best and prepare for the worst. And the worst isn't anything I haven't lived before.

segunda-feira, 2 de agosto de 2010

Always outnumbered, never outmanned.

Like a punch to the stomach, all of a sudden... everything was out of place... everything was not ok.

I really am out there. My feet aren't firmly pressed to the ground and I don't really know what I'm doing. I can't even begin to try to understand what the last few days have meant to me, I can't really find a coherent line of thought coming out of my mind at the moment.

I know what I'm feeling. I just don't want to believe it and I don't really need this right now, not three weeks from a very important moment in my life. And yet, in the last few days, it's like I don't even care... The only thing I'm reasonably sure of, right now... is that I'm setting myself up to look like such a major idiot.



Still, life will go on. I couldn't ask for a more ungrateful place to be in right now, though. I'm not really scared of getting hurt or failing miserably, I just don't want to be stuck wondering the "what if's" of the choices I'm making. But I guess that's the price you pay for a shot at... something.

quinta-feira, 29 de julho de 2010

A very long shot...

It's pretty clear that I've grown disillusioned with most things in life, over the years. It is what it is. Our lives will always be filled with happy, fun moments, as well as sad and depressing ones in equal measure. How we deal with it defines who we are, how we are perceived by everyone, how much we can live with ourselves. It is a struggle for some, while others seem to hover above it all...

Me, I always chose to be in the thick of it. I was never one to be happy with how things were, with the status quo. I was never one to shy away from my responsabilities as a lover, as a friend, as a man. Most of the time, I was taken down by it all, but I have long since realized that it made me who and what I am today.

Therefore, it's not entirely surprising to me that in the middle of one of the most important periods of my recent life (one of the most stressful, too), I've found myself going out of my way to make it all that much harder.

I'm torn, I really am. In a time of my life I should be as focused as I can possibly be, I've let my guard down and began to have feelings. Even more contradictory, in a time of my life when I don't actually trust anyone (few, very few exceptions), I've gone ahead and let myself be "touched" by a gentle smile, by the kindness and open arms someone has shown me. Rationally, it's obvious that it's going to be hard, a truly long shot, and I shouldn't be letting myself get carried away like that. Worse, it will mess around with my plans for my immediate future. So, in a weird way, I kind of wish I fail swiftly and without delay. But hey, if the world was rational, it would certainly be a fairer place, wouldn't it?



I have to admit, though... it's pretty fun and exciting feeling something, even if I don't know exactly what it is and I hate not knowing how it's going to play out...

terça-feira, 27 de julho de 2010

A filosofia da simplicidade.



Passamos a vida a tentar encontrar a felicidade mas, na verdade, aprendemos com muito mais facilidade a ser infelizes.

Tentamos arrumar as várias dimensões da nossa existência em compartimentos estanques, quando todos eles têm corredores que se cruzam. Esforçamo-nos por rotular os acontecimentos como bons ou maus, em vez de os aceitarmos e enfrentarmos na sua essência. Skrimar Rao, uma nova estrela filosófica da gestão, explica como tudo pode ser simples, mesmo que não seja fácil.

Sim, sabemos que o ano foi duro, que o próximo poderá ser ainda pior e que se ainda não está de férias, a contagem decrescente para uns dias de descanso parecer-lhe-á tão lenta quanto as perspectivas de melhoria da nossa economia. Entre despedimentos, aumentos da carga de trabalho, maus ventos provenientes da Europa, impostos e um sem número de turbulências que apenas contribuem para um sentimento de insegurança crescente, os ambientes nos locais de trabalho não estão propriamente convidativos. E até os milhares de títulos de auto-ajuda oferecendo dicas e conselhos milagrosos para mudar as nossas vidas começam a encher-se de pó nas prateleiras das livrarias.

As grandes empresas (grandes porque ainda se podem dar ao luxo de adjudicar um orçamento para motivar os seus empregados) desdobram-se em iniciativas, do “coaching” ao “teambuilding”, de retiros nos mais recônditos locais do planeta, passando por terapias do riso até à contratação dos já denominados “coachers” da felicidade. Tudo para animarem as hostes no local de trabalho.

Este artigo conta a história de Skrimar Rao que, no presente século, tem um estatuto nos cursos de MBA equivalente ao de uma estrela de rock. A partir de um curso cujo programa foi inteiramente desenhado por ele e que se denomina “Criatividade e Mestria Pessoal” [Criativity and Personal Master y – CPM], o professor que em 1999 fazia um trabalho académico pouco estimulante numa universidade desconhecida, é agora convidado para partilhar os seus ensinamentos em algumas das melhores escolas de negócios do mundo, como é o caso da Columbia Business School, a London Business School ou a Haas Business School. E, onde quer que ensine, o professor ganha ondas de entusiasmo genuíno e um sem número de testemunhos extraordinários por parte dos seus alunos que atestam a forma como uma disciplina, incluída num tradicional programa de MBA, pode mudar a visão que temos da vida.

Para além do mais, passou a ser convidado pelos tais gigantes empresariais que acreditam que é possível estimular novos comportamentos, aumentar a produtividade e, mais importante que tudo, animar os colaboradores.

Mais um curso de auto-ajuda que, por acaso, já deu origem a dois best-sellers? Rao e o seu clube de seguidores garantem que não. Aliás, o CPM é o único programa específico de MBA que possui a sua própria associação de alumni e Rao é um céptico confesso de todos os cursos e livros que oferecem as curas para os males da vida. Como o próprio afirma, não inventou a roda, apenas olhou para ela de forma diferente. E, na base de todo o sucesso, reina um princípio extremamente simples: o da gratidão.

A falsa dicotomia

Uma das premissas contra a qual Rao se esforça por lutar diz respeito ao facto de as pessoas passarem a maior parte das suas vidas a aprenderem a ser infelizes, mesmo quando lutam pelo seu inverso.

E um dos factores responsáveis por esta propensão diz respeito à tendência que as pessoas têm para compartimentar as suas vidas: há uma vida no trabalho, outra pessoal e uma outra qualquer. Erro! A vida que temos é só uma e não é preciso ser-se um génio para se saber que quando um dos aspectos dessa vida una que se tem não está bem, as implicações nos demais são inevitáveis.

Uma outra característica que distingue Rao é o facto de não acreditar no pensamento positivo, uma das modas que mais vendeu nos últimos dois anos. Em entrevista à Fast Company (e cuja editora que o entrevistou frequentou o seu CPM), Rao afirma que “o pensamento positivo é extremamente sobreavaliado e pode, muitas vezes, vir a ser prejudicial”. E o problema reside no próprio nome.

Pensamento “positivo” implica que qualquer coisa que aconteça, e quando a consideramos como “má”, somos obrigados a exercitar o tal pensamento positivo para que dela retiremos algo de bom mesmo que seja o maior dos infortúnios. O que pode ser, de acordo com Rao, extremamente esgotante e, na maioria das vezes, não funciona nem serve de nada.

E é também neste elemento que o professor chama a atenção para uma outra tendência que temos no decurso das nossas vidas: a de constantemente rotularmos as coisas como “más”. E dá um exemplo: imagine que é um engenheiro civil que precisa de construir uma estrada. E, no caminho, encontra um pântano. Que não é bom nem é mau, mas é simplesmente um pântano. O que o engenheiro tem de fazer é utilizar a sua energia para descobrir como é que vai ultrapassar esse terreno pantanoso e não lamentar a sua existência. Basicamente, não é bem a mesma coisa que utilizar o pensamento positivo, mas mais o criativo. O professor afirma ser útil transportar este exemplo para as demais áreas da nossa vida e que, a partir daí, lamentaremos muito menos os pântanos que nos vão aparecendo pela estrada fora.

O professor acredita igualmente que todos temos capacidade para construirmos uma vida na qual podemos alcançar a plenitude. E, apesar de pensarmos que somos dependentes de factores externos o que, em parte, é verdade, somos muito mais dependentes da atitude mediante a qual encaramos a vida.

Um outro conselho básico é eliminarmos os “ses” da nossa vida. “Se eu tivesse mais dinheiro, seria muito mais feliz” ou “se o meu chefe fosse mais acessível, eu gostaria muito mais do meu trabalho”.... Para Rao, o modelo do “condicional” é absolutamente imperfeito, porque coloca sempre uma condição externa – o “se” – no controlo do resultado.

O que o professor “obriga” os seus alunos a fazer é a desafiarem o “status quo”, a olharem de forma diferente para as suas carreiras, para os seus desafios profissionais e para a vida no geral. E, afirma quem lhe bebeu as palavras que, terminado o curso, os alunos aprendem uma forma inteiramente nova de definir o sucesso e o fracasso.

Se, até agora, nada do que foi escrito lhe parece longe das técnicas “eficazes” dos livros de auto-ajuda, a ideia é mesmo essa. Os conceitos parecem simples porque as verdades básicas também o são.

“O maior ensinamento que retirei das aulas do professor Rao foi que as coisas mais importantes da vida são simples, embora não necessariamente fáceis”, como testemunha, no “site” de Rao, um antigo aluno. E darmos graças, todos os dias, nem que seja por alguns segundos diários de felicidade que tenhamos tido, é meio caminho andado para encararmos a vida de outra maneira. Mais especificamente, o professor pede aos seus alunos que, todas as noites, identifiquem duas ou três coisas pelas quais se sintam gratos.

Novos modelos mentais precisam-se

Como escreve o próprio professor no seu “website”, este é um curso sobre “criatividade”, sobre a mente humana e o seu enorme potencial. Mas, mais do que tudo, este é um curso concebido para se descobrir o propósito da vida de cada um. O professor não mostra o caminho, mas ajuda a desenhar o mapa. E esta nova orientação é absolutamente necessária para aquilo que Rao acredita vir a ser a empresa do futuro.

Para o professor, esta será a que se dedicará a assegurar que todos os que tiverem qualquer tipo de contacto com ela poderão alcançar um potencial muito mais significativo do que até agora. O que inclui colaboradores, consumidores, fornecedores e a sociedade no seu todo. Não nos devemos esquecer que a nova geração que está agora a entrar no mercado de trabalho tem maiores níveis educacionais, é muito mais consciente das escolhas que pode fazer e muito menos permeável a receber ordens, principalmente aquelas com as quais não concorda.

Os novos trabalhadores exigem também muito mais significado no trabalho que prestam, em detrimento dos grandes desafios aos quais, até agora, davam primazia. E, como alerta Rao, se as estruturas da gestão não se alterarem de forma a acomodar estas novas exigências, irão simplesmente transformar-se em migalhas até desaparecerem. É por isso que um dos objectivos do curso – não esquecendo que está integrado num programa de MBA – lida especificamente com questões como as do desenvolvimento dos valores pessoais, com a ética, a integridade e com o já mencionado alcançar desta mestria ou controlo pessoal. E, um dos enfoques prioritários é perceber e resolver os conflitos existentes entre valores pessoais e acções no local de trabalho. O que, convenhamos, nem sempre é fácil.

Daí que as características entre o perfil normal de um MBA e a filosofia do curso de Rao sejam diametralmente opostas:

O resultado é tudo o que interessa: notas altas, um emprego “high profile” e, obviamente um cheque bem chorudo ao final do mês. Pelo contrário, a perspectiva de Rao privilegia o processo e não o resultado, com enfoque para as acções que têm de ser tomadas, independentemente dos iscos materiais.

Para um gestor que se preze, o risco e agressividade são sempre recompensados. Rao aponta para o seguinte paradoxo: quanto mais insistir nestes conceitos, menores são as hipóteses de alcançar o que pretende (o seu verdadeiro propósito).

O meu trabalho, o meu MBA mais do que prestigiante, a minha riqueza, é o que me define. Lembre-se, aconselha Rao, que todos interpretamos um papel, mas que não somos esse papel.

Tem tudo a ver com dinheiro, mesmo que não goste do que está a fazer. Errado. Não tem a ver com o dinheiro (aliás, se tiver, é porque está mesmo com problemas). Está sim, relacionado, com o porquê e o como do que está a fazer.

Um MBA prestigiante, um emprego bem pago, uma vida confortável. Esta é a minha realidade. E fico furioso quando isso é posto em causa. Atenção, diz o professor. Os modelos nos quais opera NÃO são a realidade.

Para Rao, as escolas de negócio de topo da actualidade são mais instituições doutrinárias do que educacionais. Não encorajam os estudantes a questionar as noções básicas com as quais nos habituámos a viver durante longos anos, tais como se o consumo é assim tão benéfico ou se dar às pessoas múltiplas escolhas realmente aumenta a sua qualidade de vida. Será que sim?


Para a nova estrela filosófica do mundo da gestão, as escolas de negócios precisam de encarar os seus estudantes enquanto seres humanos e não somente como meros dentes da roda da máquina que fornece talento fresco às grandes empresas. E só com uma crise ainda mais perturbadora do que a última – que Rao acredita que irá acontecer brevemente – é que finalmente se iniciará uma nova era de verdadeira mudança. Onde o propósito da vida terá de ser radicalmente repensado.


domingo, 25 de julho de 2010

I'll never forget, I'll never regret.

The last two weeks weren't easy, at all. I feel drained and seriously needing some time away. Sadly, that isn't happening anytime soon. One of the most important days of my life so far is approaching fast and I'll admit, I've been feeling more and more anxious everyday. I'm confident that I can do ok, that I can get the results I want... I just hate the wait.

In the meantime, everything keeps going...

Even worse, as if things weren't crazy enough as they are, I fear I may be about to make them a little more complicated. I wish I could be as simple-minded as some. But I'll never be something I'm not, even if I get rejected for it, as I have before.

Some have it easy, some don't... and some make it hard on themselves inadvertently.




"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Maya Angelou

domingo, 11 de julho de 2010

Here's your lifeline...

I don't really think there are "honest" feelings anymore. When we were younger, maybe, but as we grow older things get a lot more complicated and mixed up. Everyone has an agenda, their own collection of interests and goals in life that they wish to pursue. Rarely will they come at no expense to the relationships we have with others. It's simply easier to move forward if we grab on to those around us, even if it means we'll hurt them in any way. It's a tragedy, really, that some of those around me chose this "easier path".

But, you have one life... whatever you do with it, whatever has been done to you, you have to deal with it and move forward. You have to live your life well.

And I do. I live an extraordinary life of tremendous highs and lows, balancing what I should and what I want to do in life, loving those around me, missing those that are not around any longer, those that have left me. Above everything else, I live a bittersweet life of desperate hope and hopeful despair, an unending tale of victories and defeats.

When everything is said and done, I hope I'll be able to say that I lived my life well, that I've done important things, that I've loved and cared for those important to me. I hope I'll never let things unsaid.



And yet, it's all just beginning... *

quinta-feira, 1 de julho de 2010

We all fall short of glory.

I haven't had a lot of easy days lately. Marcel Pagnol once wrote:

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."


I couldn't agree more. We tend to cling on to things of the past, suffer in the present and tend to be afraid of the future. I'm tormented. Not by things of the past, but by my inability to always be strong, to always be positive. Truth is, I miss something.

When all else failed, my friends were there to pick me up. It was like that for years. Now, not so much. The very few people I can actually count on, really have more to worry about than about my well-being. All my other friends are long gone. And even though I feel people care for me and more and more people come into my life, I can't help but feel lonelier than ever before. Worse even, I don't feel a thing... and haven't felt anything in a long, long time.

Life is indeed funny. When we think we don't need anyone, it finds a way to tell us that indeed we do. I have no doubt that I will carry on forward either way, but it keeps getting harder to think clearly.



Here's hoping for a relaxing weekend! *

sábado, 12 de junho de 2010

You know it's better that way...

"We won't break, we won't die, it's just a moment of change..."

I feel empty, I truly do.

quinta-feira, 3 de junho de 2010

The stars in the sky illuminate below...

Well, it was truly one of the worst days in recent times... One of those where you feel like your day has started on the wrong foot and just kept getting worse and worse by the hour.

As awful as it was, I want to simply think of it as what it was, one bad day. There's much to do in the next few days, weeks and months, and I simply can't afford to wallow in self pity. And like I said in one of my last posts, I just need to pick myself up, be confident in my capabilities and that, while it will be difficult, I will do my absolute best to succeed.



Now, I really need to get some sleep...

domingo, 30 de maio de 2010

Don't think, just do.

You can ask the universe for signs all you want. Ultimately, we only see what we want to see when we're ready to see it.

I've wasted so much time over the years trying to figure out exactly what my life actually meant, it's actually funny. But that's all it was, a waste of time. We will never truly comprehend what it all means. More and more, I'm finding that we can be happy if we just let it go, if we simply don't care enough about things to try to always understand them to death.

These last few months were a good wake-up call for me. Through the years, I've always relied on others to achieve a sense of balance in my life, to try and even everything. Truth be told, I've always looked for someone to help me move forward, be it a lover, be it a friend or a family member. While we'll never be whole living alone, while we'll never be all we can be without friends and family, being reliant on others is not the way forward, it is not how I'll ever be truly happy. People will inevitably disappoint you, that's a fact I've stated over and over again. It's not a character flaw, everyone fails to live up completely to someone's expectations. So, while it saddens me to see less and less people in whom I really trust as the years go by, it served its purpose.

The first step towards being in a good place in our lives is to be okay with ourselves. More than that, we can only truly love someone and find happiness if we are perfectly confortable with who we are. I've always tried to be perfect. Mind you, I was always very far from it, but I've always tried to be the most polite, honorable and principled person I could be. I've always tried to live up to the most ideal values in a society which honestly doesn't value them as much as it should. With that said, it is quite obvious that I've failed tremendously in what I was trying to achieve, in two different points of view: on the one hand, as much as I tried to be *perfect*, there is no such thing. It's pretty much a doomed quest, and while I always enjoyed an impossible challenge, I should've seen the obvious and spare me the trouble. On the other hand, while I tried to be the nicest person I could be, not feeling perfect often resulted in frustration and disappointment. That, in turn, made my life miserable. While it's true that I probably was a very decent person over the years, I was never ok with myself. I was never good enough, I could never feel I was going anywhere in my quest to be better.

Basically, I took a wrong turn somewhere. Happiness and peace of mind aren't the sole possessions of those that are perfect (if there is such a thing). Those two things are achievable once we start living our lives to their fullest, knowing full well that every day is a struggle, that nobody's perfect and that mistakes and disappointments are all part of the game. There's so much to be happy for, seriously.

My biggest realization is that it's okay to be an ordinary person. You can push yourself to the limit trying to be perfect for everyone you know, but in the end, not everyone is looking for perfection, not everyone finds perfection so alluring. Paradoxally, by not caring obsessively about being more than you are, you end up being better, by simply being yourself. And that's all I've been lately. Myself. My virtues and my flaws. My problems and my good moments.



I'll always try to be as decent a person as I can be. I'm not one to live my life as a lie, I'm not one to be disrespectful with anyone. However, I can't be everything for everyone. I will let people down. I will fail miserably at times. But I'm more than enough of a decent human being to be able to pick myself up and be proud and take confort in who I am.

I've started to live a simpler life. Unburdened by the weight of everyone's expectations, by my very own desire to be unreasonably more than what I am. I'm living my life, taking chances, not thinking twice about everything. Above all else, I'm perfectly okay with myself, more than anytime in my life, I dare say.

And the best of all? I'm reaping the rewards already! :)

terça-feira, 18 de maio de 2010

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

And so it begins.

That's question number one on this essay I have in front of me. I'm kind of torn between the answer I want to give and the one I should. It's kind of funny, if you think about it... five years ago, I wouldn't really say that I'd be where I am right now in my life. Five years ago, my hopes and dreams don't really match to what I'm living at the moment. Not that I'm in a bad place, in any way. I just expected more. Granted, I was aiming high...

So, what the hell can I expect five years from now? I know where I want to be professionally, but I'll leave that for the essay. Personally, I honestly can't predict anything. Things have changed gradually over the years, my life has changed. People came into it, people left. I've laughed, I've cried, I've loved, I've hated. I've learned to expect my life to change at any moment, for any given reason, because that's how it works. One day you think you have your life figured out... and on the next one, you wake up to find that everything is wrong and it all got taken away. As the years go by, you deal with it. You eventually deal with so many things over time, that you end up carrying a lot of baggage. At times it will seem like a good thing and every so often, it won't... it will simply feel like an unbearable burden. All things considered, it's the people we love and our very own ambition to make something out of life that might, just like that, make us feel like our baggage isn't quite as heavy anymore. Like everything else, it's easier when someone gives you a hand with it.

My honest answer to the question at hand? I don't really know where or how I'll be, but I'd really like to be happy.

segunda-feira, 17 de maio de 2010

Easy isn't always simple.

Isn't it wonderful when you finish your day knowing that you did good, that it was a really full day? :)

Sadly, while my day was pretty straightforward, a lot of people around me have their lives in turmoil. Worse still, I find myself in the middle of things I don't exactly want to be in. And that brings me to my point... I can offer a shoulder to cry on, I can offer my understanding and honest opinion, but other than that, it's none of my business.

Everyone has problems, issues. Rarely can we see them clearly, when we're hit by them. With that said, at least for now, I see my life pretty clearly. I know what I want, what I don't want. Through it all, I'm becoming a cold-hearted bastard. While it saddens me, going through life like an elephant in a china shop, I don't have a choice. I'm tired of dealing with everyone's problems. It's time for me, it's time to live my life and enjoy it.

I'll always lend a hand to someone in need. Just don't expect me to take his/her problems as my own. Not anymore.



And tomorrow will be another great day! :)

quarta-feira, 12 de maio de 2010

Believe in yourself, or no one else will.

I haven't felt the need to write in quite a while, which is a testament to the weeks of relative peace and quiet that I've been living. Honestly, I think I've just been numb to everything that has been happening around me or done to me. I simply don't care.

For all the good things happening, for all the people coming into my life, for all the successes and joys of life, a lot has been crumbling to the ground around me. It's nothing new. For a few months I've seen it coming and have suffered with it. Now, whenever yet another chunk comes falling into the ground and breaks into little pieces, I'm not surprised, I'm not sad, I'm just empty and numb... and life goes on.

At the very least, the last few months have proved how little I have to gain by staying around. I've learned that I'm surrounded by hypocrites, liars. That no one actually trusts one another, that people will go to any lengths to achieve whatever shallow goals they have, sacrificing things like friendship, trust, morals in the process. I've learned that family isn't an important part of you life, family IS your life and you probably can't trust anyone or anything outside of it. I find it harder and harder to believe anyone, these days... and you can't blame me for that. Words are just that... empty vessels when used by someone with no values, no heart.

Again, I'm not sad or feeling like my world is falling apart. It isn't, in fact. I'm just annoyed that everyone seems to be acting irrationally, these last few weeks, months. Learning to be by myself, basically, hasn't been easy, but it's been fun, I have to admit. And even if I can't trust them, meeting new people is always interesting... particularly if you go about your business not caring about any of it. Oh, and yes, people do notice you if you don't care about them. Funny thing indeed... *