Nothing to lose, everything to get.

Sure, life may slip one on you from time to time, something you weren't expecting, that caught you offguard. How you lift yourself up and keep moving forward is what's really important, though. Deep down, you lost nothing and you still have a whole lot to look forward to, probably more than you'll ever expect.

Here's to a good week! Have fun! *

Lost your balance on a tight rope, lost your mind trying to get it back.

Great last few days. But, deep down, the things left unsaid don't really make it easy on me and eventually, come back to haunt me. I don't know what's going to happen and I wish I did...

Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything and everybody believed in you?

Nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.

"Speak less to the people you love the most, 'cause if they cannot understand your silence, they can never understand your words."

William Shakespeare

Nobody's fool.

It's amazing to see how things that took forever to build can crumble to the ground in an instant. It's not surprising, though. I'm kind of used to not being shown the same respect I've always tried to show everyone else. But there's always someone you don't expect would do that to you.

Truth is, this is a fucked up world. Common decency no longer applies. It's about how much fucked up you can be, the more, the better. People don't want to be with someone good, they want to be with someone dangerous, so to say. Feelings don't apply, as well. It's much simpler living for the now, for the immediate pleasure and fun, than worry about the future, or where it'll lead you. Nobody really cares if they trample everyone around them on the way. Friendship isn't what it used to be, either. Friends are convenient relationships people build. When it suits them, it's fine. When it doesn't, there's no real problem in throwing it away, like the disposable thing people perceive it to be nowadays.

As for me, I still fall to the illusion that things can be different, from time to time. They can't. I won't change the world around me on my own. They say that if you can't beat them, join them. I won't do that either. I'll do you one better, though:


I'll prove that I'm better than most.

That's just how the story unfolds...

"Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along."

Jalal-Uddin Rumi (1207-1273)

Can we go back to when everything used to matter?

I keep on struggling but slowly and surely, life moves on.
In the end, we are more important than anything else, our goals and objectives can't be held over any other things. I know I can't stop. I can't put other people as a priority over what I want to achieve.

That's the theory. It couldn't be farther from what I feel deep inside, though.

My mind is in the right place, my soul is not. I feel this fire burning inside me, telling me that a certain someone is the one I care about... the only one I care about. It's kind of funny how wildly out of control this has thrown me. On the one hand, I sure find it amazingly beautiful that I can love someone this much. It's a wonderful feeling, caring about someone. Ideally, that would be it. It isn't. As much as I'm in awe of her, of what she means to me, I can't let it stop my life, grind it to a halt. Gladly, as much pain and confusion all this has caused me, I still have reasons to smile. Not the ones I wanted, but having some is always better than having none.

With all that said, it's hard denying my heart a simple wish, that I want to be with her, simply because I do love her... :)

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars...?"

I could really use a wish right now...

I'm at a loss for words. I'm thankful to the very few friends that have been lending me a hand, putting up with me and trying their best to make me feel okay, to not feel alone. I didn't have such a bad day because of them and only because of them.

It wasn't such a bad day and tomorrow, hopefully, will be a little better.

I have to feel a little proud, a little happy with myself. I have no real reason to feel this loss inside of me. Sure, things aren't easy, are not going to be from here on out. Yes, I don't have her love and I wish I did. But we have this hugely important friendship, something that I'll treasure for the rest of my life. These months have been incredibly life-changing to me and I can see it now. She touched my life in more ways than I can describe and I'll always cherish everything she is to me.

I'm not perfect, I made mistakes and I learned from them. Above it all, I lived this moment like I meant it. We are only as important in people's lives as the ways in which they can remember what we did for them. And I'm really proud of the friend I always was, always have been. I didn't actually do anything wrong. It simply wasn't meant to be, not right now.

My sorrow and sadness are a little deeper than that, though, and the tears do really come out at night. I'm not in a simple place in my life. My emotions run high, right now. All my hopes and dreams came out to play. So much has changed, I really don't know what to do with them.

Still, I could really use a wish right now...

We cannot tear out a single page of our life, but we can throw the whole book in the fire.

I finally opened my heart and poured my soul out. Not exactly how I wanted to do it, not exactly in the right setting, or with the right frame of mind, but I did it. I couldn't hold it in me any longer. Truthfully, I feel much better. It's like the weight of the world was taken off my shoulders. Sure, deep inside, I feel miserable, but at the very least, I don't have this huge thing inside of me, eating away all that was left of my soul.

I had no illusions, honestly. I knew. Still, it's rather hard listening for the 100th time in my life that I'm a very special person, but. There's always that but. It's not that I don't understand where this comes from, I do. It's just that having heard that so many times, I end up feeling like I was always good, just simply not good enough, for anyone. And that makes me wonder what "good" or "special" actually means.

It won't be easy, moving forward. But slowly, I'll pick up my pace, even if I have to crawl out of here...

"Nunca é demasiado tarde para seres aquilo que devias ter sido." (George Sand)

We build, then we break.

This was the worst weekend in recent memory. I'm not okay, and it's my own doing. I've been making mistakes, one after the other. And as constant as the sun rising and setting, we get what we bargained for.

I'm hurting, badly. And I don't know what to do...

The beating of our hearts.

It's not easy looking for happiness when you let go of the things you want.

I'm an idiot. I really am. Time and time again, I find myself in the midst of these situations, filled with impossible odds, a lot of unavoidable circumstances and immeasurable feelings. You would have thought that I had learned my lesson by now. I haven't. I'm willing to let go of everything I badly want, just for the pious reason of it being the best thing for everyone except me.

I think and I see, and I think again. I ponder every little detail, every little problem, over and over again. It's in my nature to do so. I wallow in my own misery doing so. I'll never be able to grab the moment and do what I want, regardless of the consequences. It's simply not "the right thing to do".

That's all my life has been about, doing the right thing, for everyone, at every corner. It was never about me. Not when it mattered, at least. This tendency to go out of my way to solve everyone's problems will eventually be the end of me. When I care about people, I do really care, regardless of what it will do to me. It's wrong.

It's not wrong in the sense of divine justice, so to say. But it's wrong for me, my life, my personal sense of happiness and well being. I'll always either be with my conscience killing me, or, more likely, be miserable about it.

It's hard for me to breathe today. I feel like I was punched in the stomach. I feel the things I care the most crumbling in front of me. I feel that the inevitable is coming, that I will soon lose every chance to actually be with the one I want. And the truth is, there's nothing I can do about it. I lie, there is. But it means tossing away the only good things that make me who I am. It's a moral dilemma.

Ultimately, it won't matter. I'll always care more about her well being, than my own. It was never a choice. I'll end this like I started it, I'm an idiot.

Elogio ao amor (Miguel Esteves Cardoso - Expresso)

"Há coisas que não são para se perceberem. Esta é uma delas. Tenho uma coisa para dizer e não sei como hei-de dizê-la. Muito do que se segue pode ser, por isso, incompreensível. A culpa é minha. O que for incompreensível não é mesmo para se perceber. Não é por falta de clareza. Serei muito claro. Eu próprio percebo pouco do que tenho para dizer. Mas tenho de dizê-lo.

O que quero é fazer o elogio do amor puro. Parece-me que já ninguém se apaixona de verdade. Já ninguém quer viver um amor impossível. Já ninguém aceita amar sem uma razão. Hoje as pessoas apaixonam-se por uma questão de prática. Porque dá jeito. Porque são colegas e estão ali mesmo ao lado. Porque se dão bem e não se chateiam muito. Porque faz sentido. Porque é mais barato, por causa da casa. Por causa da cama. Por causa das cuecas e das calças e das contas da lavandaria.

Hoje em dia as pessoas fazem contratos pré-nupciais, discutem tudo de antemão, fazem planos e à mínima merdinha entram logo em "diálogo". O amor passou a ser passível de ser combinado. Os amantes tornaram-se sócios. Reúnem-se, discutem problemas, tomam decisões. O amor transformou-se numa variante psico-sócio-bio-ecológica de camaradagem. A paixão, que devia ser desmedida, é na medida do possível. O amor tornou-se uma questão prática. O resultado é que as pessoas, em vez de se apaixonarem de verdade, ficam "praticamente" apaixonadas.

Eu quero fazer o elogio do amor puro, do amor cego, do amor estúpido, do amor doente, do único amor verdadeiro que há ,estou farto de conversas, farto de compreensões, farto de conveniências de serviço. Nunca vi namorados tão embrutecidos, tão cobardes e tão comodistas como os de hoje. Incapazes de um gesto largo, de correr um risco, de um rasgo de ousadia, são uma raça de telefoneiros e capangas de cantina, malta do "tá bem, tudo bem", tomadores de bicas, alcançadores de compromissos, bananóides, borra-botas, matadores do romance, romanticidas. Já ninguém se apaixona? Já ninguém aceita a paixão pura, a saudade sem fim, a tristeza, o desequilíbrio, o medo, o custo, o amor, a doença que é como um cancro a comer-nos o coração e que nos canta no peito ao mesmo tempo?

O amor é uma coisa, a vida é outra. O amor não é para ser uma ajudinha. Não é para ser o alívio, o repouso, o intervalo, a pancadinha nascostas, a pausa que refresca, o pronto-socorro da tortuosa estrada da vida,o nosso "dá lá um jeitinho sentimental". Odeio esta mania contemporânea por sopas e descanso. Odeio os novos casalinhos. Para onde quer que se olhe, já não se vê romance, gritaria, maluquice, facada, abraços, flores. O amor fechou a loja. Foi trespassada ao pessoal da pantufa e da serenidade. Amor é amor. É essa beleza. É esse perigo. O nosso amor não é para nos compreender, não é para nos ajudar, não é para nos fazer felizes. Tanto pode como não pode. Tanto faz. É uma questão de azar.

O nosso amor não é para nos amar, para nos levar de repente ao céu, a tempo ainda de apanhar um bocadinho de inferno aberto. O amor é uma coisa, a vida é outra. A vida às vezes mata o amor. A "vidinha" é uma convivência assassina. O amor puro não é um meio, não é um fim, não é um princípio, não é um destino. O amor puro é uma condição. Tem tanto a ver com a vida de cada um como o clima. O amor não se percebe. Não é para perceber. O amor é um estado de quem se sente. O amor é a nossa alma. É a nossa alma a desatar. A desatar a correr atrás do que não sabe, não apanha, não larga, não compreende.

O amor é uma verdade. É por isso que a ilusão é necessária. A ilusão é bonita, não faz mal. Que se invente e minta e sonhe o que quiser. O amor é uma coisa, a vida é outra. A realidade pode matar, o amor é mais bonito que a vida. A vida que se lixe. Num momento, num olhar, o coração apanha-se para sempre. Ama-se alguém. Por muito longe, por muito difícil, por muito desesperadamente. O coração guarda o que se nos escapa das mãos. E durante o dia e durante a vida, quando não está lá quem se ama, não é ela que nos acompanha - é o nosso amor, o amor que se lhe tem. Não é para perceber. É sinal de amor puro não se perceber, amar e não se ter, querer e não guardar a esperança, doer sem ficar magoado, viver sozinho, triste, mas mais acompanhado de quem vive feliz. Não se pode ceder. Não se pode resistir. A vida é uma coisa, o amor é outra. A vida dura a vida inteira, o amor não. Só um mundo de amor pode durar a vida inteira. E valê-la também."

How far would you go?

A most eventful week, so far. My exam is done and while the result wasn't fabulous, it's not that bad and I can be reasonably proud of my achievement. I was expecting a bigger sense of relief, greater inner peace, after it was done, though. Truth is, this was a step into the unknown. I have many, many possibilities right now, and none of them will satisfy me completely. Why? Quite simply, each choice comes with its specific drawbacks, things that I have to leave behind in order to pursue said choice.

Honestly, I know that something will have to give, that, in the end, I'll end up losing something... :(

Life will always have its cruel circumstances. Moments which will leave us hurting, for one reason or the other. Fact is, we can't have it all. I know what I want, what my heart tells me to do. The problem lies there, actually... rationally, I know it's not the thing to do. It's not all about me. It's about those I love, the one I love. I can't and won't be selfish to the point of thinking I should have my way. Life is all about compromises, it has always been, and I made my main compromise a long time ago. I'd rather lose something, than make someone lose something because of me. I can't ask anyone to sacrifice for me. It's sad, though... but I hope that, somehow, those same circumstances that will prevent me from being with who I want to be with, will eventually work themselves out.

Though I feel troubled and torn, I'm equally happy. I feel priviledged to have met such an extraordinary woman, living such an extraordinary life, a woman of such character, personality and will to live and help those around her. It really isn't fair to her to describe her in words that simply do not convey how fenomenal she is. There are still remarkable people out there.

I really need some days off. I'm going to try not to think about anything, try and enjoy a couple of days of relative peace and quiet. But it won't be easy, will it?

Why do we miss what we never had?

In the end, it makes you who you are.

And here it is. The day has finally arrived.

Truth is, I'm glad. Whatever the result, I couldn't deal with it any longer. My last few days were simply terrible. I put my heart and soul into this, gave up on a lot of things to have a shot at something truly amazing. The thing is... feeling like I might not get there tore me down. It was always going to be a very big personal failure for me, if that ever happened, though I never actually believed it could. And all of a sudden, I feel mortal. I feel that something that was within my reach, might not actually be.

In a way, the fact that I realized that before the exam itself is a good thing. At the very least, I had the chance to think about what my alternatives would be. I had the chance to take in the fact that I could fail and it was much, much better that it happened during the last few days, than it would be if it happened tomorrow.

In the end, it is what it is, a small step that could lead to something... or not. Be it as it may, it'll be a footnote in the grand scheme of things.

This ordeal, as hard as it has been, has proved to be an invaluable experience. I should be thankful. Not a whole lot of people get the chance I have. Also, I should be most thankful for a very special person that has kept me together through all of it. She will probably never read this, but she'll always have my deepest thanks, my most sincere respect and my most profound love and admiration. I don't say this lightly. It is with a heavy heart that I know I'll have another problem to solve soon, albeit of a different nature. Like they say... one day at a time.

So, we'll see what happens tomorrow. As far as I'm concerned, I can't wait any longer. I just want to be done with it. And then? Then we'll see...

Slow beginning to a long day.

Truth is, I'm tired. It's been months and weeks of hard work, of worrying, of careful planning and consideration. The last few days have been particularly draining, though. The exam is right around the corner. Oddly enough, while I'm worried, I know it'll be ok. I've set the bar really high, that's true, and I may not actually get there. But still, my best will be enough. It may or may not change my plans, but at the very least I'll be happy that I did my best. I wish I could have a day off, my batteries are really running on empty... It's kind of incredible that I'm so cheerful while feeling so damn tired and worried at the same time.

On a more personal level, I'm as lost as I'll ever be. I made a decision that on hindsight might not have been the one to take and now I have to live with it. I may have lost my chance to be with someone truly special to me. Worst of all, I can't go back. It's what I feel I should do, though. But rationally, it could be a disaster. I have an odd feeling that I've been here before and while I'm not a psychic, I have a feeling I know what will happen soon and it doesn't look good for me. Either way, I'm a man of my word and that's the main reason I won't go back. And even if my predictions come true, who knows what the future will hold?

Like someone wise once told me, when you look back, never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience!

I just wish I wasn't experienced enough! :)

The things you leave behind.

Slow beginning to a long, long week.

I begin this week wondering at how relative things truly are. I know I don't speak the same "language" as most other people, I know that being a fan of making our choices based on our feelings isn't really a good mindset to have (not anymore, anyway). It's all about success, money, connections, power.

It's never about how nice you are, it's about how far you can go.

Over the next few weeks, I'll be faced with a tremendously hard choice to make. All the responsability on my shoulders at the moment pales in comparison to it. I really want to follow my feelings, but I know it might not be enough, or wise at all, to be fair.

I've set myself on a course that won't change, even if I want to. I've set really high goals that I wish to see myself achieve. My biggest worry, though, is getting there and feeling like I've lost more than I've gained... *

An emotion experienced by many and enjoyed by few. (Part 2)

And only a few hours later, I'm feeling much better. There's nothing like going out to ease one's mind.

Nothing actually changed, but suddenly, things look and feel a little better. I know the hardships ahead, I know that I'll be silently suffering for days to come, but I know I'll be ok.

After all, there's nothing I can't do. I was able to pull off something incredible and unheard of in her life. I have to believe that all that was for something, that it wasn't to waste, that she at least thought of me kindly over it.

It won't be easy, it never is. If it was, it wouldn't be the thing everyone ultimately searches for, it wouldn't be my life's purpose.

If I could just have my chance...