Oh, and by the way...

Not everything is bad news! :)

^.^

P.S.: Those are TOEFL iBT scores, for those who didn't know.

Everything's upside down

The most prevalent thought in my mind these days is simply "has everyone gone mad?".

Honestly, look around you. News every hour spew new information everyday about how politicians (one in particular) are trying to control the media, and nobody actually seems to care. That specific politician's approval rating has actually gone up (!) these last few days. That I wasn't very hopeful about this country's future is no big secret, but really... no one cares. I even heard a couple of colleagues of mine today arguing that this controversy is being created by some in the media and that the wiretaps serving as the basis for it are simply innocent conversations and shouldn't be up for public scrutiny.
Seriously?! I'm open to all political considerations to be had on this case, but accusations (pretty well substantiated, in my humble opinion) that the government wanted to use public money, through public or semi-private companies to acquire private companies in a bid to control independent media is enough to land those responsible in serious trouble in any decent country.
What the hell is wrong with you people? :|

Seriously, everything and everyone seems to be going crazy these days...
I've been having all these troubles and disappointments with people who are close to me, these last few weeks. When all seemed to be getting better, we're back to square one. I really need to stop worrying about everyone else. It's not worth it.

I need to stop. I need to get my things together, think of my ultimate goal and simply don't let anything get in the way. People are overrated. There are those, very few, that actually matter. Everyone else is an hopeless cause.

This could really be a good life, if I just let it :)

We know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

A brief note before I begin, I'm completely hungover, so bear with me.

I've been very frustrated over the last couple of days... people tend to disappoint you, that's an universal truth. You never expect it to be one of your closest friends, though. Last night, in particular, was tough on me for one simple reason... seeing things being done, things I strongly disapprove of, and not be able to say anything, do anything completely ate me from the inside.

This is mostly about values... dignity, honesty, friendship, respect. I will never consider myself to be morally superior to anyone, but I'd like to think I live my life according to a set of morals and values that were taught to me and that I really believe should be the basis of everyone's actions. So, you might argue that I think my values are better than those of those around me... You're probably right. Call me old-fashioned, I don't care.

So, with that in mind, when I see people deceiving someone I care about, when I see people tossing out of the window all the respect for their friends, I'll surely be upset, to say the least. That's the kind of actions I get to see everyday, from people I either don't know or don't care about. It annoys me, yes, in the sense that I'll always suffer with all the wrongs in the world, but in the end, it doesn't concern me. When the people involved in such things as I described are my friends, things take a turn for the worst. I find myself sadly trusting less and less people everyday.

Where do I fit in exactly? I don't really know.

Live life to the fullest and don't let it be a secret to the ones you love that you love them.

So much gets lost along the way.

First steps. That's what last week was all about. I finally began to walk the path I've set out for me a long, long time ago. I won't hide that I'm feeling troubled over it, but I have to keep going. My future is in my hands, and my hands alone.

Everything is working out pretty good in my life recently, I have to be honest. Still, it could have been so much better, really, had I opened my eyes a little sooner. And that's mostly what has been troubling me, the fact that my "life plan" needs to keep adapting to my mistakes. I know making plans is always an exercise in uncertainty... and that most of the time, whatever you got planned will not play out exactly as expected. Still, I think about all the ideas, thoughts, dreams I had for myself over the last few years and hardly any of them actually became true.

Tonight I find myself trying to do something I've always had a hard time doing... letting go.

What I'm feeling comes from understanding that I could be so much more than what I am right now. It's not arrogance, it's a fact. I know what I'm capable of, and somehow, I know that I'm limited by everything that surrounds me. My resolve in these last few months, the will to break free from all my past issues comes from there. I really want to be everything I can be.

I lost a lot along the way... and yes, my dreams, goals brought me disappointments, sorrow and heartache. But somehow, I'm still here. I guess we're bound to live our lives licking our wounds and living to fight another day. I am and I've been fighting for myself. I came too far already to give up on me. Tomorrow, I'm waking up with a smile on my face, knowing I've been giving my best and that no matter what the future holds, I'll be more than okay.

Like the title says, so much gets lost along the way. Simply let it go.

"Nothing great in the world ever gets done without passion."

Hegel

Where have all the *normal* people gone?

I've been stuck with that question on my mind for the last few days. Truth is, it still amazes me how silly (to say the least) people can really be. What's a *normal* person, anyway? :-\

Case in point: women.



I'm always surprised at how women can turn the most simple and straightforward thing into something complicated, chaotic. I'm no stranger to making things that are simple look overly complicated. In fact, I mastered it for years. Still, with the things I've been seeing lately, I'm a rookie compared to most women I know. A woman's brain seems unable to process simple things. It has to mash a ton of otherwise different and distinct problems into one big, giant mess for it to actually have any kind of meaning. By that stage, men will inevitably be scratching their heads, wondering what the hell happened to that simple issue that was right in front of them.

This may all sound very lyrical, but it's not that far from the truth, I think. Last Saturday I had to put up with two distinct groups of female friends, with each of them annoying me to no end. Their issues are irrelevant. In fact, that night, 5 mins after they started talking, they were already irrelevant to me. Hearing a 30-year old woman screaching like a bat every 2 minutes will do that to you. Again, where have all the normal women gone to?

The reason I'm actually writing this now is because this isn't an isolated incident. I've been meeting a lot of women over the last few months... and still, they are all either crazy, unstable, paranoid, whinny, futile, materialistic, immature, childish or simply problematic. I haven't met a single woman that I can safely say is a mature, balanced person. Even worse than that, most women I've been meeting seem to be stuck with the same mentality they had when they were 17. Women mature earlier, they say... yeah, right.

Women have every right to complain about men. They will argue that men in general are scum, worthless bastards that will inevitably disappoint them. To be entirely honest, there's a certain degree of truth to that. Still, women are partially to blame for that. After all, isn't chivalry dead? Why is it so? Simply put, women don't really care about that any longer. At least, they don't seem to. We live in a futile world, with little to no values left in people. That seems to be the norm nowadays.

I've strived to be and feel normal all these last few years. Damn, was I wrong... I don't want to be normal, like every other idiot out there. If I am to be one, at least I'll be a different idiot, and proud of it as well.

But... I wish I knew where all the normal people went... :)

Looking down at all I see.

A few hours ago I laid my eyes on what is possibly one of the most beautiful things I've seen in a long, long time. In a sudden burst of emotion, I was hit with mixed feelings of self-doubt, amazement, awe and bitter sadness. Why? Quite simply because I know, deep in me, that I'll never be able to have such a perfect thing in my life.

Maybe I'm not as immune to feelings as I think I am.......



It's so damn hard fighting for something there's a good chance you won't be able to achieve, without any kind of support, encouragement.

Sadly, I'm on my own...
I've known about it for a while, but I'd still like to believe that maybe, maybe, I could rely on someone to help me go through a challenging period of my life. Truth is, I can't. Most people will be sympathetic to your struggles, to your problems. Very few will actually take the time to listen to you. Even fewer will lend you a hand. People are selfish, that's just the way it is.

I'm not actually sad, nor depressed. I'm just angry and dissapointed. But above all else, I'm determined to go on. With every setback, I'll fight back harder than ever before... even if it's hard not letting it get to you, I'll admit.

Yes, I'm on my own. It's not like anyone cares...

The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.

And so it begins. 2010 is upon us. I wish you all a very, very good year.

With that said, I begin my year feeling that everything old can be new again. I'm going to be having a very tough January, starting tomorrow morning. I'm actually eager to get everything started, mostly because I know that whatever happens in the next few weeks will most likely determine what my year is going to be, possibly even what the next few years of my life are going to be. Yes, there's a lot of pressure, but I'm actually hoping to shape things the way I want them.

I've said it before, I hate the New Year's Eve night/party. It gets me thinking about what I've done over the last year, it gets me nostalgic and pretty much sad (because there's always a LOT I know I could've done better). Still, I had an interesting night, almost unexpectedly so. May the fact that it was different from every other new year's eve party mean that maybe this year is going to be a good one! :)

I'm hopeful, but I am perfectly aware that this year is going to be full of challenges. I know it's going to be very hard to get everything I want, everything I've set out to do over the next few months. But it all has to begin somewhere... and here's hoping tomorrow is that day.

Happy New Year! *

Feliz Natal para todos!

Os meus mais sinceros desejos de um muito Feliz Natal para todos! :)

Fiquem bem! *

Simply that much harder.

Christmas is coming and sadly, I haven't felt its spirit yet. Probably because everything has been flying right past me and I haven't even had the time to think about it that much. Usually, this is one of my favorite times of the year and honestly, I still think it will be.

All sorts of crazy, complicated and unexpected things have been happening. I'm seriously needing to cool down a little bit, get away from some of it. Unfortunately, it ain't happening. From here to the end of January, things will be hectic and stressful. Part of me is enjoying it, for the challenge it represents, for all the good, incredible things it can bring me. The other part simply feels lost and unable to fully think it through. But that's all that I've been doing for years, thinking it all through to death. For once, it's kind of nice to do things on instinct, even if I sometimes feel like I'm rolling uncontrollably down a mountain.

I've been going down this path for some time now... and only today I thought "what if this doesn't really work out? what's my plan B?". I realized I have none. It made me a bit uneasy, I'll admit. But there's nothing I can really do except hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. Hopefully it will all work out.

Could it be easier? Sure, it could, but it's not really up to me. There's no point in fighting what life throws at you, you simply have to deal with it, make the best of it. And I really, really want to start my year on a high note!

A few final words to simply say that I hate people who don't show any measure of respect for others. While I might have been complacent in the past with people like that, that isn't happening again, ever. May everyone find their way this holiday season... even though I'm not a believer it will ever happen.

Regards! ;)*

We all have the right to fall down...

...just remember to pick yourself up right away.

It isn't always apparent what we should or should not be doing. But...doesn't being scared let you know you're on to something important?

If you're not scared, you're not taking a chance and if you're not taking a chance, then what the hell are you doing?

*

Such a risk that seems so worth it.

People struggle everyday. Be it because of work, school, love, friendship, health, whatever. Some people deal better with it than others. I find myself dealing with my struggles pretty well, these days. It's never really easy, when you want something, when you strive to achieve something good for yourself. Life would be easy if I simply leaned back and didn't want to make something out of me. It hasn't been easy, it never will be, but I'll keep on fighting.

I'm becoming a very goal-oriented person. I've always been sensitive to my problems, to everyone's problems. Slowly, but steadly, this is changing. I'm becoming a much harder person... and not in the sense that I'm particularly strong, I'm simply becoming less and less sensitive to everything that surrounds me.

I'm growing tired of the little games people play. Things are never black or white, but I simply don't care about the shades of grey anymore. I won't spend another minute dealing with 20+ year old children. I'd rather be alone and in peace, then surrounded by people who simply can't or won't grow up.

Today I read a really nice blog post, from which I quote: "it takes a lot of faith to give love... and even more faith to let yourself be loved". Couldn't agree more. Sadly, I'm all out of faith. I'm becoming extremely objective and pragmatic... to be honest, I'm loving it. If it's a change for the better or worse? I don't know...

...and I simply don't care... at all.

*

I believe in nothing but the truth of who we are.

Os Domingos não costumam ser dias muito bons. Há sempre aquela permanente sensação da inevitabilidade do início duma semana de trabalho ou de estudo, do fim de um ou dois dias de festa, sossego, ou algo entre esses dois "extremos". A semana passada foi desgastante, emocional e fisicamente. Não posso dizer que tenha corrido fabulosamente bem, de todo...o fim de semana iria recarregar-me as baterias, ou pelo menos era isso que era suposto. Tal não aconteceu. Por uma ou por outra razão, dou por mim com um milhão de coisas na cabeça. Não estou com vontade de começar mais uma semana que, tanto quanto posso prever, vai ser semelhante à anterior. Admitidamente, o cansaço e a falta de sono acumulados não estão a ajudar na minha má disposição...

...Ainda assim, tenho esperança que esta nuvem cinzenta que me está a pairar por cima da cabeça acabe por-se dissipar até amanhã de manhã. Apesar de tudo, a facilidade com que superamos as dificuldades depende somente da nossa forma de as encarar e lidar com elas.

E nunca ninguém disse que ia ser fácil... *

Alive and kicking!

E passadas umas semanas, volto a escrever aqui qualquer coisita. A minha ausência é perfeitamente justificada pela pouca vontade e inspiração que tenho tido para escrever, para me perder em pensamentos e momentos melancólicos.

A vida continua a sorrir-me... ou melhor, eu tenho feito com que ela me sorria. Sim, porque a primeira expressão implicaria que o meu destino estaria fora das minhas mãos, o que não é, efectivamente, verdade. Mais do que uma qualquer presunção de estar a viver um momento particularmente bom, acho que estou finalmente a respirar ares de normalidade. Os dias bons, maus, menos bons, menos maus sucedem-se como era suposto... e, no entanto, nada me incomoda particularmente. Mesmo nos momentos mais frustrantes e desagradáveis que tenho tido, tenho conseguido separar as coisas, tenho conseguido colocar cada ovo no seu cesto e não tenho deixado que nada, nada me atinja e tenho sorrido quanto tal me acontece.

Dito isto, a vida nunca é um mar de rosas. Há muito por fazer, muito por conquistar. Felizmente tenho-me rodeado de pessoas com quem gosto de estar e que gostam de estar comigo. Tenho aproveitado tudo ao máximo. Tenho encontrado a confiança para dar passos muito firmes rumo aos objectivos que sempre pretendi alcançar, mas que cheguei a julgar serem inatingíveis.

Tenho também reparado com um misto de orgulho e de alegria que não abandonei por completo todos os meus sonhos, toda a minha concepção do que o mundo é e deveria ser, para me tornar numa pessoa fria, pragmática, arrogante. Todos os meus valores estão intactos dentro de mim, tudo o que sempre considerei como sendo os meus grandes objectivos de vida continuam a sê-los. Apenas coloquei tudo sobre uma diferente perspectiva. Hoje não os vejo como um peso morto nos meus ombros, algo que eu nunca conseguiria carregar comigo. Hoje vejo que são uma benção, que fazem de mim o que eu realmente sou e que me tornam numa pessoa de valor. Sim, pode ser argumentado que os valores já não são o que eram, que hoje em dia ninguém liga a isso. Nada poderia estar mais longe da verdade. Ainda há, felizmente, quem ligue, quem se importe com isso. Posso parecer a pessoa mais convencida e arrogante que há, neste momento, mas é tremendamente bom sentir que tenho valor e que há quem repare nisso.

A minha vida mudou. O que poderia ter sido uma mudança breve e efémera acabou por se consolidar e tomou conta de tudo à minha volta. Estou rodeado de dificuldades, lutas, frustrações diárias, como toda a gente, mas consigo sempre sorrir e encontrar imensas razões para me sentir bem comigo mesmo e para continuar em frente. Acho que isso diz tudo. Quem me conhece sabe a diferença que isto significa.

:)*

P.S.: Não podia deixar de prestar homenagem ao Robert Enke...... Descansa em paz :(

Happy endings are few and far between...

These last few weeks, months have been a blessing to me. I finally found a way to be me and yet, not be the fragile, broken human being at the same time. I could say that I found my inner peace, but that would be understating it, I actually built it. It has been a long time coming, it took a lot of trial and error, but finally, I think I did it. I have nothing to be upset about with what I have in my life. I have everything I need and what I don't have, I can achieve. And that's the most important thing I can think of right now... I am able to do things, I can achieve all that I ever wanted if I put enough effort and energy into it.

On the same note, the last few days have been somewhat emotionally exhausting. It's the very first time since I entered this "enlightened" phase of mine that I'm actually questioning what it all means, if I'm able to keep up, if I can handle everything. The truth is, I have been a little scared I might just break down again, sometime. But what I realized is that everyone feels the pressure, be it to perform at their jobs, be it to be there for their friends, be it for their own personal problems. Everyone, without exception, will eventually feel troubled at various points in their lives. Even if I felt I wasn't part of the norm for a long, long time, I'm no exception. While I can't complain about what my life has given me, I occasionally let my frustrations take the best of me. The difference now is I'm not depressed or sad because something doesn't happen the way I'd like it to. My frustrations come from the fact that I want to achieve, I want to be so much more than what I am, and I want to do it as fast as possible. Usually, patience is one of my virtues, it truly is. Now, not so much. Much has changed indeed... when before I felt like this, my feelings of bitterness and restlessness came from deeply rooted issues I had, my insecurity, my low self-esteem, all my bad past experiences. Nowadays, my frustration comes from an eagerness to get things done, to grow into someone better, someone I'm sure I can be, from an equally strong sense of ambition. While it may feel similar, everything sure is different now.

Contrary to the saying, I don't think you can expect much good to come to those who simply wait. This life, the world around us and the way it works isn't complacent with those who don't fight for what they want. This is a world of winners and losers, it always has been. I don't intend to simply stand idly by like I have for so long. Yes, it's also a world of opportunities lost and found, but the truth is you can never find most of them if you aren't ready for them.

Happy endings won't ever happen by chance. You have to earn them, you have to fight for them. There's no point in being distressed by the occasional problem we'll face. Our character, our value is shown in how we pick up the pieces and keep on going forward. And I don't really intend to stop anytime soon...

With what I've been given, I've already won.

Não estou particularmente surpreendido por continuar a não perceber a grande maioria das decisões que as pessoas que de alguma forma me rodeiam vão tomando. Não me refiro ao trivial, decisões do dia-a-dia... refiro-me sim às decisões marcantes, aquelas que de uma forma ou de outra determinam o nosso futuro, imediato e não só.

Admito que estou a acusar algum desgaste, físico, emocional, resultante desta fase extremamente positiva que tenho vivido. No meio da confusão que a minha vida sempre foi, não estava mesmo à espera que sozinho conseguisse encontrar paz, que reunisse condições para atingir aquele auto-controlo que sempre me fez falta. Mas há dias... há dias em que a ânsia de ver "pontas soltas" da minha vida resolvidas se torna difícil de aguentar. Por muita confiança, calma, paz interior que eu possa neste momento ter, tenho sentido uma crescente frustração com um pequeno número de situações. Sei que é contraproducente, mas temo que esta semente de frustração e de ansiedade me tirem deste bom momento que eu tenho vivido.

Com toda a sinceridade, não creio que a sorte me tenha bafejado nas pequenas coisas que me são importantes, ao longo dos anos. Mesmo estando bem, como não me lembro de estar há muito tempo, não posso dizer que a sorte tenha tido algo a ver com isso. O que eu consegui ganhar, em termos de estabilidade, nestas últimas semanas, meses, tem sido pura e simplesmente por mim, pela minha luta constante contra tudo aquilo que me aflige. Por isso, não me surpreende que a sorte, volta e meia, não me sorria, ou melhor, continue a não me sorrir. Não me surpreende, não me entristece, não me deita abaixo, mas deixa marcas.

O facto de eu estar a viver um momento muito bom não esconde outro facto, o de que eu não sou aquilo que queria ser, a minha vida não é o que eu sempre idealizei. A verdade, porém, é a de que tudo o que sonho e sonhei pura e simplesmente não é realizável, por todas as razões e mais algumas. O meu mundo perfeito não existe. Hoje sorrio com algum cinismo, por saber que tenho essa noção e por não me sentir amargurado com isso. A minha maior conquista recente poderá, eventualmente, ter sido conseguir abandonar todos aqueles meus sonhos idílicos e não sentir falta deles.

E amanhã será outro dia...

*