No, I will not let you down...

There's something that has been clear to me for quite some time...

I was born in the wrong place, at the wrong time.

It's the little things that make your day :)

Forget for a moment all you ever wanted, all your big plans, all the good things you want to do tomorrow, next month, next year. Forget how you're gonna get there. Stop making life-altering decisions. Don't think big.

True happiness is in the simple, little things. :)

If you don't know something, it can't hurt you.

I find myself drawn to a certain sense of melancholy, apathy, tonight. It's not uncommon for me to feel like this on a Sunday night, but tonight it's a particularly intense feeling. I'm just empty, devoid of feelings, seemingly disconnected from everything and everyone. Worse still, I'm not entirely sure I'm as empty of feelings as I believe I am... maybe, just maybe, I simply don't want to unearth them, out of fear, out of a probable inability to deal with them. For all the effort I put into simply not feeling a thing, there's one side of me that really wants to cling to any semblance of a feeling. Like I said, I really don't know, I really don't want to care.

Ignorance is indeed bliss. Sadly, that's only one side of it... the doubt, the uncertainty of not knowing will eventually eat away at you, wear you down to the breaking point. I wouldn't say I'm there yet, but I have been feeling worn out.

Hopefully, a new week will bring something good. At least I'm hopeful, and that's never a bad thing... :)

Asking questions, searching for answers.

Honestly, I've been speechless for the last couple of days. I know there are many things I'll never understand and I know I'll always struggle with that... but lately, I've found myself time and time again finding it very hard to understand people and the way they react to obvious truths.

I can talk for hours about how people should really keep it simple, but the truth is we aren't made for simple things. Our lives are complicated and people don't really trust things that are easy, we will never really accept them.

With that in mind, I'm really tired of people coming up to me as if I was some sort of "relationship fireman". I like helping out others whenever possible. What I don't like is seeing people I care about making mistakes, time and time again, even though I had warned them repeatedly about it. It makes me wonder if I should even bother. I have my own issues to worry about and I simply can't carry everyone's troubles on my back. Sadly, my social life as of late has consisted mainly of me having to put out fires, so to speak. It's not my intention to be arrogant and self-centered but damn, can't people ever make smart decisions?!

I'm not exactly an example. Time and time again, I took all the stupid and naive paths I could have taken. But that was a long time ago. I'd like to think I'm a lot more pragmatic and cautious in everything I do in this regard. Yet everything I've been seeing around me is people making a mess out of absurd situations, simply because they either didn't think beforehand or they didn't care. Then, they deal with the consequences. It's frustrating to see that happening, annoying even. But I did my best to help out whenever possible. I simply have to care less and less about these things. People will do stupid things, all the time.

I won't hide it. I'm struggling. My friends used to be my safe haven. My weekends with them, the time and space I needed to wash away the frustrations of my weekly life. But things changed somewhat... I find myself with fewer and fewer true friends. I'm tired of the drama surrounding us all the time. I'd like to take action, but I really don't know what or how to do it. I often feel like I'm surrounded by people that have either gone mad, or are just acting stupid.

Truth be told (and I quote), "We don't know why we're here, we don't really know what to do, but we still search for answers. And we often fail, even with the best intentions in mind". I'm still looking for my answers...

Fear not for the future, weep not for the past.

After a couple of pretty decent days, in which I've done nothing of what I'd set out to do, I guess I'm ready to go back to my scheduled routine. Pretty much like New Year's Eve, my birthday and the days immediately before and after are days in which I wonder a lot. Basically, I can never get my head around the fact that I'm as old as I am, that time flew by so quickly, that somehow, I was supposed to be elsewhere doing something else. It sounds stupid, but it's the same every year. :)

As expected, this year I pretty much can't think of myself as being 28 years old. Seriously, I feel like I got into college just a year or two ago and it has been like ten. People I met in the meantime seem so *new* in my life, yet I've known them for 6, 7, 8 years. Still, for everything that's familiar during these days, through all the years past, this year I find myself pretty much in a new chapter of my wondrous life... :)

It's not like all my problems are solved, no. Things are pretty much as complicated and messy as they ever were. Yet it's a different kind of complicated and messy. On a professional level, I'm kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm not entirely happy with the way things have gone these last few months, but I'm still pretty well off, particularly if you consider everyone else. I can't seriously have any complaints. I work on my own time, I make more than enough to waste in every little thing I please and still have plenty to spare. Yes, it frustrates me at times, because my projects could be doing much, much better, but that's just being unrealistic.
On a personal level, all sorts of unexpected things have been happening. Some good, some bad. Simply put, I still haven't found what I'm looking for. For the most part, it saddens me, because I really could use some emotional balance in my life, a purpose. But, even as that has always saddened me, I've learned that, sometimes, you're better off alone than being in a relationship that you know has no future and will invariably lead to disappointment for any of those involved. I'd rather not hurt or get hurt in something ultimately meaningless. Besides, in all honesty, a relationship now would be so very complicated for me, as my plans are to leave, and be away for quite a while. And being single has its advantages, of course!

Above all else, this was a great year for me, even if I take into consideration every little setback, disappointment, etc. My immediate plans are laid right in front of me... and while I know plans never work quite as they were planned, I feel I can reach my objectives if I just make a little effort. It's not always simple, that's a given... my mind often wanders, and I never make it easy on myself. I'll always suffer with everything around me, but in a way that's what gives me an unique perspective of things, of life in general... and ultimately, that's what defines me as a person, as a man.

And you know what? I'm pretty comfortable with who I am. I'm a pretty decent human being. :)

Yes, I'm 28.

Yeah :) It's my birthday! \o/

I'm gonna go celebrate as best as I can! :)*



P.S.: Wonderful article on the NYTimes... read it if you're interested in this sort of thing :) Article...

Into the night.

I'm not ok.
It's not that anything is terribly wrong, but I feel tired, exhausted really, seriously lacking hours of sleep and reasons to feel great about everything.

Maybe tonight I can breathe for a while... *

The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

Back from London.
Renewed focus and determination, is what I brought from there. At the same time, though, I came back consumed with bitter feelings of anguish, sorrow.
I realize I'm on a one-way path. I have my choices to make, but I know my life won't ever be easy, simple and it most likely won't be spent here after this next summer.
I came back realizing that fulfilling lifelong dreams and ambitions is harder than it seems and usually means letting go of things you care about.

Where do you find the balance between all you want to be and all you have to leave behind?

I have no clue, as usual.

Oh, how I'd like to be somebody else entirely...

P.S.: Pardon my inconsistency tonight, but I'm exhausted. Words aren't really coming out as they should at the moment... still, my incoherent thoughts might still amuse you, lol.

Oh, and by the way...

Not everything is bad news! :)

^.^

P.S.: Those are TOEFL iBT scores, for those who didn't know.

Everything's upside down

The most prevalent thought in my mind these days is simply "has everyone gone mad?".

Honestly, look around you. News every hour spew new information everyday about how politicians (one in particular) are trying to control the media, and nobody actually seems to care. That specific politician's approval rating has actually gone up (!) these last few days. That I wasn't very hopeful about this country's future is no big secret, but really... no one cares. I even heard a couple of colleagues of mine today arguing that this controversy is being created by some in the media and that the wiretaps serving as the basis for it are simply innocent conversations and shouldn't be up for public scrutiny.
Seriously?! I'm open to all political considerations to be had on this case, but accusations (pretty well substantiated, in my humble opinion) that the government wanted to use public money, through public or semi-private companies to acquire private companies in a bid to control independent media is enough to land those responsible in serious trouble in any decent country.
What the hell is wrong with you people? :|

Seriously, everything and everyone seems to be going crazy these days...
I've been having all these troubles and disappointments with people who are close to me, these last few weeks. When all seemed to be getting better, we're back to square one. I really need to stop worrying about everyone else. It's not worth it.

I need to stop. I need to get my things together, think of my ultimate goal and simply don't let anything get in the way. People are overrated. There are those, very few, that actually matter. Everyone else is an hopeless cause.

This could really be a good life, if I just let it :)

We know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

A brief note before I begin, I'm completely hungover, so bear with me.

I've been very frustrated over the last couple of days... people tend to disappoint you, that's an universal truth. You never expect it to be one of your closest friends, though. Last night, in particular, was tough on me for one simple reason... seeing things being done, things I strongly disapprove of, and not be able to say anything, do anything completely ate me from the inside.

This is mostly about values... dignity, honesty, friendship, respect. I will never consider myself to be morally superior to anyone, but I'd like to think I live my life according to a set of morals and values that were taught to me and that I really believe should be the basis of everyone's actions. So, you might argue that I think my values are better than those of those around me... You're probably right. Call me old-fashioned, I don't care.

So, with that in mind, when I see people deceiving someone I care about, when I see people tossing out of the window all the respect for their friends, I'll surely be upset, to say the least. That's the kind of actions I get to see everyday, from people I either don't know or don't care about. It annoys me, yes, in the sense that I'll always suffer with all the wrongs in the world, but in the end, it doesn't concern me. When the people involved in such things as I described are my friends, things take a turn for the worst. I find myself sadly trusting less and less people everyday.

Where do I fit in exactly? I don't really know.

Live life to the fullest and don't let it be a secret to the ones you love that you love them.

So much gets lost along the way.

First steps. That's what last week was all about. I finally began to walk the path I've set out for me a long, long time ago. I won't hide that I'm feeling troubled over it, but I have to keep going. My future is in my hands, and my hands alone.

Everything is working out pretty good in my life recently, I have to be honest. Still, it could have been so much better, really, had I opened my eyes a little sooner. And that's mostly what has been troubling me, the fact that my "life plan" needs to keep adapting to my mistakes. I know making plans is always an exercise in uncertainty... and that most of the time, whatever you got planned will not play out exactly as expected. Still, I think about all the ideas, thoughts, dreams I had for myself over the last few years and hardly any of them actually became true.

Tonight I find myself trying to do something I've always had a hard time doing... letting go.

What I'm feeling comes from understanding that I could be so much more than what I am right now. It's not arrogance, it's a fact. I know what I'm capable of, and somehow, I know that I'm limited by everything that surrounds me. My resolve in these last few months, the will to break free from all my past issues comes from there. I really want to be everything I can be.

I lost a lot along the way... and yes, my dreams, goals brought me disappointments, sorrow and heartache. But somehow, I'm still here. I guess we're bound to live our lives licking our wounds and living to fight another day. I am and I've been fighting for myself. I came too far already to give up on me. Tomorrow, I'm waking up with a smile on my face, knowing I've been giving my best and that no matter what the future holds, I'll be more than okay.

Like the title says, so much gets lost along the way. Simply let it go.

"Nothing great in the world ever gets done without passion."

Hegel

Where have all the *normal* people gone?

I've been stuck with that question on my mind for the last few days. Truth is, it still amazes me how silly (to say the least) people can really be. What's a *normal* person, anyway? :-\

Case in point: women.



I'm always surprised at how women can turn the most simple and straightforward thing into something complicated, chaotic. I'm no stranger to making things that are simple look overly complicated. In fact, I mastered it for years. Still, with the things I've been seeing lately, I'm a rookie compared to most women I know. A woman's brain seems unable to process simple things. It has to mash a ton of otherwise different and distinct problems into one big, giant mess for it to actually have any kind of meaning. By that stage, men will inevitably be scratching their heads, wondering what the hell happened to that simple issue that was right in front of them.

This may all sound very lyrical, but it's not that far from the truth, I think. Last Saturday I had to put up with two distinct groups of female friends, with each of them annoying me to no end. Their issues are irrelevant. In fact, that night, 5 mins after they started talking, they were already irrelevant to me. Hearing a 30-year old woman screaching like a bat every 2 minutes will do that to you. Again, where have all the normal women gone to?

The reason I'm actually writing this now is because this isn't an isolated incident. I've been meeting a lot of women over the last few months... and still, they are all either crazy, unstable, paranoid, whinny, futile, materialistic, immature, childish or simply problematic. I haven't met a single woman that I can safely say is a mature, balanced person. Even worse than that, most women I've been meeting seem to be stuck with the same mentality they had when they were 17. Women mature earlier, they say... yeah, right.

Women have every right to complain about men. They will argue that men in general are scum, worthless bastards that will inevitably disappoint them. To be entirely honest, there's a certain degree of truth to that. Still, women are partially to blame for that. After all, isn't chivalry dead? Why is it so? Simply put, women don't really care about that any longer. At least, they don't seem to. We live in a futile world, with little to no values left in people. That seems to be the norm nowadays.

I've strived to be and feel normal all these last few years. Damn, was I wrong... I don't want to be normal, like every other idiot out there. If I am to be one, at least I'll be a different idiot, and proud of it as well.

But... I wish I knew where all the normal people went... :)

Looking down at all I see.

A few hours ago I laid my eyes on what is possibly one of the most beautiful things I've seen in a long, long time. In a sudden burst of emotion, I was hit with mixed feelings of self-doubt, amazement, awe and bitter sadness. Why? Quite simply because I know, deep in me, that I'll never be able to have such a perfect thing in my life.

Maybe I'm not as immune to feelings as I think I am.......



It's so damn hard fighting for something there's a good chance you won't be able to achieve, without any kind of support, encouragement.

Sadly, I'm on my own...
I've known about it for a while, but I'd still like to believe that maybe, maybe, I could rely on someone to help me go through a challenging period of my life. Truth is, I can't. Most people will be sympathetic to your struggles, to your problems. Very few will actually take the time to listen to you. Even fewer will lend you a hand. People are selfish, that's just the way it is.

I'm not actually sad, nor depressed. I'm just angry and dissapointed. But above all else, I'm determined to go on. With every setback, I'll fight back harder than ever before... even if it's hard not letting it get to you, I'll admit.

Yes, I'm on my own. It's not like anyone cares...

The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.

And so it begins. 2010 is upon us. I wish you all a very, very good year.

With that said, I begin my year feeling that everything old can be new again. I'm going to be having a very tough January, starting tomorrow morning. I'm actually eager to get everything started, mostly because I know that whatever happens in the next few weeks will most likely determine what my year is going to be, possibly even what the next few years of my life are going to be. Yes, there's a lot of pressure, but I'm actually hoping to shape things the way I want them.

I've said it before, I hate the New Year's Eve night/party. It gets me thinking about what I've done over the last year, it gets me nostalgic and pretty much sad (because there's always a LOT I know I could've done better). Still, I had an interesting night, almost unexpectedly so. May the fact that it was different from every other new year's eve party mean that maybe this year is going to be a good one! :)

I'm hopeful, but I am perfectly aware that this year is going to be full of challenges. I know it's going to be very hard to get everything I want, everything I've set out to do over the next few months. But it all has to begin somewhere... and here's hoping tomorrow is that day.

Happy New Year! *