You know it's better that way...

"We won't break, we won't die, it's just a moment of change..."

I feel empty, I truly do.

The stars in the sky illuminate below...

Well, it was truly one of the worst days in recent times... One of those where you feel like your day has started on the wrong foot and just kept getting worse and worse by the hour.

As awful as it was, I want to simply think of it as what it was, one bad day. There's much to do in the next few days, weeks and months, and I simply can't afford to wallow in self pity. And like I said in one of my last posts, I just need to pick myself up, be confident in my capabilities and that, while it will be difficult, I will do my absolute best to succeed.

Now, I really need to get some sleep...

Don't think, just do.

You can ask the universe for signs all you want. Ultimately, we only see what we want to see when we're ready to see it.

I've wasted so much time over the years trying to figure out exactly what my life actually meant, it's actually funny. But that's all it was, a waste of time. We will never truly comprehend what it all means. More and more, I'm finding that we can be happy if we just let it go, if we simply don't care enough about things to try to always understand them to death.

These last few months were a good wake-up call for me. Through the years, I've always relied on others to achieve a sense of balance in my life, to try and even everything. Truth be told, I've always looked for someone to help me move forward, be it a lover, be it a friend or a family member. While we'll never be whole living alone, while we'll never be all we can be without friends and family, being reliant on others is not the way forward, it is not how I'll ever be truly happy. People will inevitably disappoint you, that's a fact I've stated over and over again. It's not a character flaw, everyone fails to live up completely to someone's expectations. So, while it saddens me to see less and less people in whom I really trust as the years go by, it served its purpose.

The first step towards being in a good place in our lives is to be okay with ourselves. More than that, we can only truly love someone and find happiness if we are perfectly confortable with who we are. I've always tried to be perfect. Mind you, I was always very far from it, but I've always tried to be the most polite, honorable and principled person I could be. I've always tried to live up to the most ideal values in a society which honestly doesn't value them as much as it should. With that said, it is quite obvious that I've failed tremendously in what I was trying to achieve, in two different points of view: on the one hand, as much as I tried to be *perfect*, there is no such thing. It's pretty much a doomed quest, and while I always enjoyed an impossible challenge, I should've seen the obvious and spare me the trouble. On the other hand, while I tried to be the nicest person I could be, not feeling perfect often resulted in frustration and disappointment. That, in turn, made my life miserable. While it's true that I probably was a very decent person over the years, I was never ok with myself. I was never good enough, I could never feel I was going anywhere in my quest to be better.

Basically, I took a wrong turn somewhere. Happiness and peace of mind aren't the sole possessions of those that are perfect (if there is such a thing). Those two things are achievable once we start living our lives to their fullest, knowing full well that every day is a struggle, that nobody's perfect and that mistakes and disappointments are all part of the game. There's so much to be happy for, seriously.

My biggest realization is that it's okay to be an ordinary person. You can push yourself to the limit trying to be perfect for everyone you know, but in the end, not everyone is looking for perfection, not everyone finds perfection so alluring. Paradoxally, by not caring obsessively about being more than you are, you end up being better, by simply being yourself. And that's all I've been lately. Myself. My virtues and my flaws. My problems and my good moments.

I'll always try to be as decent a person as I can be. I'm not one to live my life as a lie, I'm not one to be disrespectful with anyone. However, I can't be everything for everyone. I will let people down. I will fail miserably at times. But I'm more than enough of a decent human being to be able to pick myself up and be proud and take confort in who I am.

I've started to live a simpler life. Unburdened by the weight of everyone's expectations, by my very own desire to be unreasonably more than what I am. I'm living my life, taking chances, not thinking twice about everything. Above all else, I'm perfectly okay with myself, more than anytime in my life, I dare say.

And the best of all? I'm reaping the rewards already! :)

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

And so it begins.

That's question number one on this essay I have in front of me. I'm kind of torn between the answer I want to give and the one I should. It's kind of funny, if you think about it... five years ago, I wouldn't really say that I'd be where I am right now in my life. Five years ago, my hopes and dreams don't really match to what I'm living at the moment. Not that I'm in a bad place, in any way. I just expected more. Granted, I was aiming high...

So, what the hell can I expect five years from now? I know where I want to be professionally, but I'll leave that for the essay. Personally, I honestly can't predict anything. Things have changed gradually over the years, my life has changed. People came into it, people left. I've laughed, I've cried, I've loved, I've hated. I've learned to expect my life to change at any moment, for any given reason, because that's how it works. One day you think you have your life figured out... and on the next one, you wake up to find that everything is wrong and it all got taken away. As the years go by, you deal with it. You eventually deal with so many things over time, that you end up carrying a lot of baggage. At times it will seem like a good thing and every so often, it won't... it will simply feel like an unbearable burden. All things considered, it's the people we love and our very own ambition to make something out of life that might, just like that, make us feel like our baggage isn't quite as heavy anymore. Like everything else, it's easier when someone gives you a hand with it.

My honest answer to the question at hand? I don't really know where or how I'll be, but I'd really like to be happy.

Easy isn't always simple.

Isn't it wonderful when you finish your day knowing that you did good, that it was a really full day? :)

Sadly, while my day was pretty straightforward, a lot of people around me have their lives in turmoil. Worse still, I find myself in the middle of things I don't exactly want to be in. And that brings me to my point... I can offer a shoulder to cry on, I can offer my understanding and honest opinion, but other than that, it's none of my business.

Everyone has problems, issues. Rarely can we see them clearly, when we're hit by them. With that said, at least for now, I see my life pretty clearly. I know what I want, what I don't want. Through it all, I'm becoming a cold-hearted bastard. While it saddens me, going through life like an elephant in a china shop, I don't have a choice. I'm tired of dealing with everyone's problems. It's time for me, it's time to live my life and enjoy it.

I'll always lend a hand to someone in need. Just don't expect me to take his/her problems as my own. Not anymore.

And tomorrow will be another great day! :)

Believe in yourself, or no one else will.

I haven't felt the need to write in quite a while, which is a testament to the weeks of relative peace and quiet that I've been living. Honestly, I think I've just been numb to everything that has been happening around me or done to me. I simply don't care.

For all the good things happening, for all the people coming into my life, for all the successes and joys of life, a lot has been crumbling to the ground around me. It's nothing new. For a few months I've seen it coming and have suffered with it. Now, whenever yet another chunk comes falling into the ground and breaks into little pieces, I'm not surprised, I'm not sad, I'm just empty and numb... and life goes on.

At the very least, the last few months have proved how little I have to gain by staying around. I've learned that I'm surrounded by hypocrites, liars. That no one actually trusts one another, that people will go to any lengths to achieve whatever shallow goals they have, sacrificing things like friendship, trust, morals in the process. I've learned that family isn't an important part of you life, family IS your life and you probably can't trust anyone or anything outside of it. I find it harder and harder to believe anyone, these days... and you can't blame me for that. Words are just that... empty vessels when used by someone with no values, no heart.

Again, I'm not sad or feeling like my world is falling apart. It isn't, in fact. I'm just annoyed that everyone seems to be acting irrationally, these last few weeks, months. Learning to be by myself, basically, hasn't been easy, but it's been fun, I have to admit. And even if I can't trust them, meeting new people is always interesting... particularly if you go about your business not caring about any of it. Oh, and yes, people do notice you if you don't care about them. Funny thing indeed... *

I'd like to make myself believe...

Such a great day! Everything fell oddly into place and what could've been just another day turned out to be a very good one indeed.

Usually, on such a good day, I'm not one to spend it writing and dwelling on thoughts of past, present, future. Today, however, I write about taking chances, grabbing opportunities when they present themselves. I'm more and more becoming the person I want to be. I'm happy, I really am. I always had everything I needed to do whatever the hell I wanted, and yet fear, awkwardness, sheer stupidity, always prevented me from acting, from being more proactive about what I wanted in life, instead of simply hoping and dreaming for everything to be perfect while I drifted through life wondering what was next.

I don't yet know exactly what this change (albeit, gradual and slow) actually means. But so far, I do feel very confortable being who I am. Truth be told, I am who I am and will always be. Also, I'll always question the meaning of life, of everything. I just have to become someone I can live with. And I actually think I'm succeeding! :)

I find myself shooting first and asking questions later, so to speak... or, more literally, acting first, (over)thinking later, and it's quite a nice change of pace.

Last, but not least, I find myself taking chances on people... and as much as I distrust them naturally, I feel like no one can really hurt me.

Have I told you what a good day it was? :)

"Everything is never as it seems..." :)

Tell me what you want to hear...

And just like that, out of the blue, a glimmer of hope straight from the past... :)

Life does indeed work in mysterious ways.

Sooner or later, the people you love let you down.

What's the point?

The more you try to help someone, somehow, the faster you'll be burned. And the funny thing is... the person doing the burning might not be someone you'd expect. Life is indeed filled with an awful lot of twists and turns we will never anticipate, we will never understand or accept. It is what it is, though.

No one is above reproach. We make mistakes. Fact. With that said, no one should feel free to throw the first stone. In the end, it only makes you look bad. The last couple of days were awful, really. Out of a very unusual and unexpected series of events, I learned that a few people I consider to be true friends, are actually not.

Truth is, I'm troubled and sad. But at the same time, not surprised... and in retrospect, I should've seen it coming. I don't really ever demand anything from my friends... but I expect them to be loyal and open with me. If they have a problem, they should come out and say it. Otherwise, we go into the realm of lies and deception... and I have no desire to go there. Well, problem is, we're there already.

While some might choose to play that game, I do not. I will never be cynical to the point of lecturing others on where the blame lies. I will not be an hypocrite and pretend all is well. So, while it hurts me badly to know that I really have almost no one left to trust, I really don't care. I will lick my wounds and keep on going. As it turns out, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I made my mistakes, but I will not bear the brunt for other people's failed lives. I've been played and burned before... so this time, I won't sit idly by. If anyone wants a fight, they'll get a fight.

At the end of the day, I realize people are overrated. You can never trust or count on anyone but yourself. Nevermind helping others, you'll only get thrown in the crossfire and probably shot in the back. And that's exactly how I feel tonight...

Just let it sink in.

"There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always gonna want to make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side.

It's all about the climb."

No, I will not let you down...

There's something that has been clear to me for quite some time...

I was born in the wrong place, at the wrong time.

It's the little things that make your day :)

Forget for a moment all you ever wanted, all your big plans, all the good things you want to do tomorrow, next month, next year. Forget how you're gonna get there. Stop making life-altering decisions. Don't think big.

True happiness is in the simple, little things. :)

If you don't know something, it can't hurt you.

I find myself drawn to a certain sense of melancholy, apathy, tonight. It's not uncommon for me to feel like this on a Sunday night, but tonight it's a particularly intense feeling. I'm just empty, devoid of feelings, seemingly disconnected from everything and everyone. Worse still, I'm not entirely sure I'm as empty of feelings as I believe I am... maybe, just maybe, I simply don't want to unearth them, out of fear, out of a probable inability to deal with them. For all the effort I put into simply not feeling a thing, there's one side of me that really wants to cling to any semblance of a feeling. Like I said, I really don't know, I really don't want to care.

Ignorance is indeed bliss. Sadly, that's only one side of it... the doubt, the uncertainty of not knowing will eventually eat away at you, wear you down to the breaking point. I wouldn't say I'm there yet, but I have been feeling worn out.

Hopefully, a new week will bring something good. At least I'm hopeful, and that's never a bad thing... :)

Asking questions, searching for answers.

Honestly, I've been speechless for the last couple of days. I know there are many things I'll never understand and I know I'll always struggle with that... but lately, I've found myself time and time again finding it very hard to understand people and the way they react to obvious truths.

I can talk for hours about how people should really keep it simple, but the truth is we aren't made for simple things. Our lives are complicated and people don't really trust things that are easy, we will never really accept them.

With that in mind, I'm really tired of people coming up to me as if I was some sort of "relationship fireman". I like helping out others whenever possible. What I don't like is seeing people I care about making mistakes, time and time again, even though I had warned them repeatedly about it. It makes me wonder if I should even bother. I have my own issues to worry about and I simply can't carry everyone's troubles on my back. Sadly, my social life as of late has consisted mainly of me having to put out fires, so to speak. It's not my intention to be arrogant and self-centered but damn, can't people ever make smart decisions?!

I'm not exactly an example. Time and time again, I took all the stupid and naive paths I could have taken. But that was a long time ago. I'd like to think I'm a lot more pragmatic and cautious in everything I do in this regard. Yet everything I've been seeing around me is people making a mess out of absurd situations, simply because they either didn't think beforehand or they didn't care. Then, they deal with the consequences. It's frustrating to see that happening, annoying even. But I did my best to help out whenever possible. I simply have to care less and less about these things. People will do stupid things, all the time.

I won't hide it. I'm struggling. My friends used to be my safe haven. My weekends with them, the time and space I needed to wash away the frustrations of my weekly life. But things changed somewhat... I find myself with fewer and fewer true friends. I'm tired of the drama surrounding us all the time. I'd like to take action, but I really don't know what or how to do it. I often feel like I'm surrounded by people that have either gone mad, or are just acting stupid.

Truth be told (and I quote), "We don't know why we're here, we don't really know what to do, but we still search for answers. And we often fail, even with the best intentions in mind". I'm still looking for my answers...

Fear not for the future, weep not for the past.

After a couple of pretty decent days, in which I've done nothing of what I'd set out to do, I guess I'm ready to go back to my scheduled routine. Pretty much like New Year's Eve, my birthday and the days immediately before and after are days in which I wonder a lot. Basically, I can never get my head around the fact that I'm as old as I am, that time flew by so quickly, that somehow, I was supposed to be elsewhere doing something else. It sounds stupid, but it's the same every year. :)

As expected, this year I pretty much can't think of myself as being 28 years old. Seriously, I feel like I got into college just a year or two ago and it has been like ten. People I met in the meantime seem so *new* in my life, yet I've known them for 6, 7, 8 years. Still, for everything that's familiar during these days, through all the years past, this year I find myself pretty much in a new chapter of my wondrous life... :)

It's not like all my problems are solved, no. Things are pretty much as complicated and messy as they ever were. Yet it's a different kind of complicated and messy. On a professional level, I'm kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm not entirely happy with the way things have gone these last few months, but I'm still pretty well off, particularly if you consider everyone else. I can't seriously have any complaints. I work on my own time, I make more than enough to waste in every little thing I please and still have plenty to spare. Yes, it frustrates me at times, because my projects could be doing much, much better, but that's just being unrealistic.
On a personal level, all sorts of unexpected things have been happening. Some good, some bad. Simply put, I still haven't found what I'm looking for. For the most part, it saddens me, because I really could use some emotional balance in my life, a purpose. But, even as that has always saddened me, I've learned that, sometimes, you're better off alone than being in a relationship that you know has no future and will invariably lead to disappointment for any of those involved. I'd rather not hurt or get hurt in something ultimately meaningless. Besides, in all honesty, a relationship now would be so very complicated for me, as my plans are to leave, and be away for quite a while. And being single has its advantages, of course!

Above all else, this was a great year for me, even if I take into consideration every little setback, disappointment, etc. My immediate plans are laid right in front of me... and while I know plans never work quite as they were planned, I feel I can reach my objectives if I just make a little effort. It's not always simple, that's a given... my mind often wanders, and I never make it easy on myself. I'll always suffer with everything around me, but in a way that's what gives me an unique perspective of things, of life in general... and ultimately, that's what defines me as a person, as a man.

And you know what? I'm pretty comfortable with who I am. I'm a pretty decent human being. :)