Don't think, just do.

You can ask the universe for signs all you want. Ultimately, we only see what we want to see when we're ready to see it.

I've wasted so much time over the years trying to figure out exactly what my life actually meant, it's actually funny. But that's all it was, a waste of time. We will never truly comprehend what it all means. More and more, I'm finding that we can be happy if we just let it go, if we simply don't care enough about things to try to always understand them to death.

These last few months were a good wake-up call for me. Through the years, I've always relied on others to achieve a sense of balance in my life, to try and even everything. Truth be told, I've always looked for someone to help me move forward, be it a lover, be it a friend or a family member. While we'll never be whole living alone, while we'll never be all we can be without friends and family, being reliant on others is not the way forward, it is not how I'll ever be truly happy. People will inevitably disappoint you, that's a fact I've stated over and over again. It's not a character flaw, everyone fails to live up completely to someone's expectations. So, while it saddens me to see less and less people in whom I really trust as the years go by, it served its purpose.

The first step towards being in a good place in our lives is to be okay with ourselves. More than that, we can only truly love someone and find happiness if we are perfectly confortable with who we are. I've always tried to be perfect. Mind you, I was always very far from it, but I've always tried to be the most polite, honorable and principled person I could be. I've always tried to live up to the most ideal values in a society which honestly doesn't value them as much as it should. With that said, it is quite obvious that I've failed tremendously in what I was trying to achieve, in two different points of view: on the one hand, as much as I tried to be *perfect*, there is no such thing. It's pretty much a doomed quest, and while I always enjoyed an impossible challenge, I should've seen the obvious and spare me the trouble. On the other hand, while I tried to be the nicest person I could be, not feeling perfect often resulted in frustration and disappointment. That, in turn, made my life miserable. While it's true that I probably was a very decent person over the years, I was never ok with myself. I was never good enough, I could never feel I was going anywhere in my quest to be better.

Basically, I took a wrong turn somewhere. Happiness and peace of mind aren't the sole possessions of those that are perfect (if there is such a thing). Those two things are achievable once we start living our lives to their fullest, knowing full well that every day is a struggle, that nobody's perfect and that mistakes and disappointments are all part of the game. There's so much to be happy for, seriously.

My biggest realization is that it's okay to be an ordinary person. You can push yourself to the limit trying to be perfect for everyone you know, but in the end, not everyone is looking for perfection, not everyone finds perfection so alluring. Paradoxally, by not caring obsessively about being more than you are, you end up being better, by simply being yourself. And that's all I've been lately. Myself. My virtues and my flaws. My problems and my good moments.

I'll always try to be as decent a person as I can be. I'm not one to live my life as a lie, I'm not one to be disrespectful with anyone. However, I can't be everything for everyone. I will let people down. I will fail miserably at times. But I'm more than enough of a decent human being to be able to pick myself up and be proud and take confort in who I am.

I've started to live a simpler life. Unburdened by the weight of everyone's expectations, by my very own desire to be unreasonably more than what I am. I'm living my life, taking chances, not thinking twice about everything. Above all else, I'm perfectly okay with myself, more than anytime in my life, I dare say.

And the best of all? I'm reaping the rewards already! :)

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

And so it begins.

That's question number one on this essay I have in front of me. I'm kind of torn between the answer I want to give and the one I should. It's kind of funny, if you think about it... five years ago, I wouldn't really say that I'd be where I am right now in my life. Five years ago, my hopes and dreams don't really match to what I'm living at the moment. Not that I'm in a bad place, in any way. I just expected more. Granted, I was aiming high...

So, what the hell can I expect five years from now? I know where I want to be professionally, but I'll leave that for the essay. Personally, I honestly can't predict anything. Things have changed gradually over the years, my life has changed. People came into it, people left. I've laughed, I've cried, I've loved, I've hated. I've learned to expect my life to change at any moment, for any given reason, because that's how it works. One day you think you have your life figured out... and on the next one, you wake up to find that everything is wrong and it all got taken away. As the years go by, you deal with it. You eventually deal with so many things over time, that you end up carrying a lot of baggage. At times it will seem like a good thing and every so often, it won't... it will simply feel like an unbearable burden. All things considered, it's the people we love and our very own ambition to make something out of life that might, just like that, make us feel like our baggage isn't quite as heavy anymore. Like everything else, it's easier when someone gives you a hand with it.

My honest answer to the question at hand? I don't really know where or how I'll be, but I'd really like to be happy.

Easy isn't always simple.

Isn't it wonderful when you finish your day knowing that you did good, that it was a really full day? :)

Sadly, while my day was pretty straightforward, a lot of people around me have their lives in turmoil. Worse still, I find myself in the middle of things I don't exactly want to be in. And that brings me to my point... I can offer a shoulder to cry on, I can offer my understanding and honest opinion, but other than that, it's none of my business.

Everyone has problems, issues. Rarely can we see them clearly, when we're hit by them. With that said, at least for now, I see my life pretty clearly. I know what I want, what I don't want. Through it all, I'm becoming a cold-hearted bastard. While it saddens me, going through life like an elephant in a china shop, I don't have a choice. I'm tired of dealing with everyone's problems. It's time for me, it's time to live my life and enjoy it.

I'll always lend a hand to someone in need. Just don't expect me to take his/her problems as my own. Not anymore.

And tomorrow will be another great day! :)

Believe in yourself, or no one else will.

I haven't felt the need to write in quite a while, which is a testament to the weeks of relative peace and quiet that I've been living. Honestly, I think I've just been numb to everything that has been happening around me or done to me. I simply don't care.

For all the good things happening, for all the people coming into my life, for all the successes and joys of life, a lot has been crumbling to the ground around me. It's nothing new. For a few months I've seen it coming and have suffered with it. Now, whenever yet another chunk comes falling into the ground and breaks into little pieces, I'm not surprised, I'm not sad, I'm just empty and numb... and life goes on.

At the very least, the last few months have proved how little I have to gain by staying around. I've learned that I'm surrounded by hypocrites, liars. That no one actually trusts one another, that people will go to any lengths to achieve whatever shallow goals they have, sacrificing things like friendship, trust, morals in the process. I've learned that family isn't an important part of you life, family IS your life and you probably can't trust anyone or anything outside of it. I find it harder and harder to believe anyone, these days... and you can't blame me for that. Words are just that... empty vessels when used by someone with no values, no heart.

Again, I'm not sad or feeling like my world is falling apart. It isn't, in fact. I'm just annoyed that everyone seems to be acting irrationally, these last few weeks, months. Learning to be by myself, basically, hasn't been easy, but it's been fun, I have to admit. And even if I can't trust them, meeting new people is always interesting... particularly if you go about your business not caring about any of it. Oh, and yes, people do notice you if you don't care about them. Funny thing indeed... *