I could really use a wish right now...

I'm at a loss for words. I'm thankful to the very few friends that have been lending me a hand, putting up with me and trying their best to make me feel okay, to not feel alone. I didn't have such a bad day because of them and only because of them.

It wasn't such a bad day and tomorrow, hopefully, will be a little better.

I have to feel a little proud, a little happy with myself. I have no real reason to feel this loss inside of me. Sure, things aren't easy, are not going to be from here on out. Yes, I don't have her love and I wish I did. But we have this hugely important friendship, something that I'll treasure for the rest of my life. These months have been incredibly life-changing to me and I can see it now. She touched my life in more ways than I can describe and I'll always cherish everything she is to me.

I'm not perfect, I made mistakes and I learned from them. Above it all, I lived this moment like I meant it. We are only as important in people's lives as the ways in which they can remember what we did for them. And I'm really proud of the friend I always was, always have been. I didn't actually do anything wrong. It simply wasn't meant to be, not right now.

My sorrow and sadness are a little deeper than that, though, and the tears do really come out at night. I'm not in a simple place in my life. My emotions run high, right now. All my hopes and dreams came out to play. So much has changed, I really don't know what to do with them.

Still, I could really use a wish right now...

We cannot tear out a single page of our life, but we can throw the whole book in the fire.

I finally opened my heart and poured my soul out. Not exactly how I wanted to do it, not exactly in the right setting, or with the right frame of mind, but I did it. I couldn't hold it in me any longer. Truthfully, I feel much better. It's like the weight of the world was taken off my shoulders. Sure, deep inside, I feel miserable, but at the very least, I don't have this huge thing inside of me, eating away all that was left of my soul.

I had no illusions, honestly. I knew. Still, it's rather hard listening for the 100th time in my life that I'm a very special person, but. There's always that but. It's not that I don't understand where this comes from, I do. It's just that having heard that so many times, I end up feeling like I was always good, just simply not good enough, for anyone. And that makes me wonder what "good" or "special" actually means.

It won't be easy, moving forward. But slowly, I'll pick up my pace, even if I have to crawl out of here...

"Nunca é demasiado tarde para seres aquilo que devias ter sido." (George Sand)

We build, then we break.

This was the worst weekend in recent memory. I'm not okay, and it's my own doing. I've been making mistakes, one after the other. And as constant as the sun rising and setting, we get what we bargained for.

I'm hurting, badly. And I don't know what to do...

The beating of our hearts.

It's not easy looking for happiness when you let go of the things you want.

I'm an idiot. I really am. Time and time again, I find myself in the midst of these situations, filled with impossible odds, a lot of unavoidable circumstances and immeasurable feelings. You would have thought that I had learned my lesson by now. I haven't. I'm willing to let go of everything I badly want, just for the pious reason of it being the best thing for everyone except me.

I think and I see, and I think again. I ponder every little detail, every little problem, over and over again. It's in my nature to do so. I wallow in my own misery doing so. I'll never be able to grab the moment and do what I want, regardless of the consequences. It's simply not "the right thing to do".

That's all my life has been about, doing the right thing, for everyone, at every corner. It was never about me. Not when it mattered, at least. This tendency to go out of my way to solve everyone's problems will eventually be the end of me. When I care about people, I do really care, regardless of what it will do to me. It's wrong.

It's not wrong in the sense of divine justice, so to say. But it's wrong for me, my life, my personal sense of happiness and well being. I'll always either be with my conscience killing me, or, more likely, be miserable about it.

It's hard for me to breathe today. I feel like I was punched in the stomach. I feel the things I care the most crumbling in front of me. I feel that the inevitable is coming, that I will soon lose every chance to actually be with the one I want. And the truth is, there's nothing I can do about it. I lie, there is. But it means tossing away the only good things that make me who I am. It's a moral dilemma.

Ultimately, it won't matter. I'll always care more about her well being, than my own. It was never a choice. I'll end this like I started it, I'm an idiot.

Elogio ao amor (Miguel Esteves Cardoso - Expresso)

"Há coisas que não são para se perceberem. Esta é uma delas. Tenho uma coisa para dizer e não sei como hei-de dizê-la. Muito do que se segue pode ser, por isso, incompreensível. A culpa é minha. O que for incompreensível não é mesmo para se perceber. Não é por falta de clareza. Serei muito claro. Eu próprio percebo pouco do que tenho para dizer. Mas tenho de dizê-lo.

O que quero é fazer o elogio do amor puro. Parece-me que já ninguém se apaixona de verdade. Já ninguém quer viver um amor impossível. Já ninguém aceita amar sem uma razão. Hoje as pessoas apaixonam-se por uma questão de prática. Porque dá jeito. Porque são colegas e estão ali mesmo ao lado. Porque se dão bem e não se chateiam muito. Porque faz sentido. Porque é mais barato, por causa da casa. Por causa da cama. Por causa das cuecas e das calças e das contas da lavandaria.

Hoje em dia as pessoas fazem contratos pré-nupciais, discutem tudo de antemão, fazem planos e à mínima merdinha entram logo em "diálogo". O amor passou a ser passível de ser combinado. Os amantes tornaram-se sócios. Reúnem-se, discutem problemas, tomam decisões. O amor transformou-se numa variante psico-sócio-bio-ecológica de camaradagem. A paixão, que devia ser desmedida, é na medida do possível. O amor tornou-se uma questão prática. O resultado é que as pessoas, em vez de se apaixonarem de verdade, ficam "praticamente" apaixonadas.

Eu quero fazer o elogio do amor puro, do amor cego, do amor estúpido, do amor doente, do único amor verdadeiro que há ,estou farto de conversas, farto de compreensões, farto de conveniências de serviço. Nunca vi namorados tão embrutecidos, tão cobardes e tão comodistas como os de hoje. Incapazes de um gesto largo, de correr um risco, de um rasgo de ousadia, são uma raça de telefoneiros e capangas de cantina, malta do "tá bem, tudo bem", tomadores de bicas, alcançadores de compromissos, bananóides, borra-botas, matadores do romance, romanticidas. Já ninguém se apaixona? Já ninguém aceita a paixão pura, a saudade sem fim, a tristeza, o desequilíbrio, o medo, o custo, o amor, a doença que é como um cancro a comer-nos o coração e que nos canta no peito ao mesmo tempo?

O amor é uma coisa, a vida é outra. O amor não é para ser uma ajudinha. Não é para ser o alívio, o repouso, o intervalo, a pancadinha nascostas, a pausa que refresca, o pronto-socorro da tortuosa estrada da vida,o nosso "dá lá um jeitinho sentimental". Odeio esta mania contemporânea por sopas e descanso. Odeio os novos casalinhos. Para onde quer que se olhe, já não se vê romance, gritaria, maluquice, facada, abraços, flores. O amor fechou a loja. Foi trespassada ao pessoal da pantufa e da serenidade. Amor é amor. É essa beleza. É esse perigo. O nosso amor não é para nos compreender, não é para nos ajudar, não é para nos fazer felizes. Tanto pode como não pode. Tanto faz. É uma questão de azar.

O nosso amor não é para nos amar, para nos levar de repente ao céu, a tempo ainda de apanhar um bocadinho de inferno aberto. O amor é uma coisa, a vida é outra. A vida às vezes mata o amor. A "vidinha" é uma convivência assassina. O amor puro não é um meio, não é um fim, não é um princípio, não é um destino. O amor puro é uma condição. Tem tanto a ver com a vida de cada um como o clima. O amor não se percebe. Não é para perceber. O amor é um estado de quem se sente. O amor é a nossa alma. É a nossa alma a desatar. A desatar a correr atrás do que não sabe, não apanha, não larga, não compreende.

O amor é uma verdade. É por isso que a ilusão é necessária. A ilusão é bonita, não faz mal. Que se invente e minta e sonhe o que quiser. O amor é uma coisa, a vida é outra. A realidade pode matar, o amor é mais bonito que a vida. A vida que se lixe. Num momento, num olhar, o coração apanha-se para sempre. Ama-se alguém. Por muito longe, por muito difícil, por muito desesperadamente. O coração guarda o que se nos escapa das mãos. E durante o dia e durante a vida, quando não está lá quem se ama, não é ela que nos acompanha - é o nosso amor, o amor que se lhe tem. Não é para perceber. É sinal de amor puro não se perceber, amar e não se ter, querer e não guardar a esperança, doer sem ficar magoado, viver sozinho, triste, mas mais acompanhado de quem vive feliz. Não se pode ceder. Não se pode resistir. A vida é uma coisa, o amor é outra. A vida dura a vida inteira, o amor não. Só um mundo de amor pode durar a vida inteira. E valê-la também."

How far would you go?

A most eventful week, so far. My exam is done and while the result wasn't fabulous, it's not that bad and I can be reasonably proud of my achievement. I was expecting a bigger sense of relief, greater inner peace, after it was done, though. Truth is, this was a step into the unknown. I have many, many possibilities right now, and none of them will satisfy me completely. Why? Quite simply, each choice comes with its specific drawbacks, things that I have to leave behind in order to pursue said choice.

Honestly, I know that something will have to give, that, in the end, I'll end up losing something... :(

Life will always have its cruel circumstances. Moments which will leave us hurting, for one reason or the other. Fact is, we can't have it all. I know what I want, what my heart tells me to do. The problem lies there, actually... rationally, I know it's not the thing to do. It's not all about me. It's about those I love, the one I love. I can't and won't be selfish to the point of thinking I should have my way. Life is all about compromises, it has always been, and I made my main compromise a long time ago. I'd rather lose something, than make someone lose something because of me. I can't ask anyone to sacrifice for me. It's sad, though... but I hope that, somehow, those same circumstances that will prevent me from being with who I want to be with, will eventually work themselves out.

Though I feel troubled and torn, I'm equally happy. I feel priviledged to have met such an extraordinary woman, living such an extraordinary life, a woman of such character, personality and will to live and help those around her. It really isn't fair to her to describe her in words that simply do not convey how fenomenal she is. There are still remarkable people out there.

I really need some days off. I'm going to try not to think about anything, try and enjoy a couple of days of relative peace and quiet. But it won't be easy, will it?

Why do we miss what we never had?

In the end, it makes you who you are.

And here it is. The day has finally arrived.

Truth is, I'm glad. Whatever the result, I couldn't deal with it any longer. My last few days were simply terrible. I put my heart and soul into this, gave up on a lot of things to have a shot at something truly amazing. The thing is... feeling like I might not get there tore me down. It was always going to be a very big personal failure for me, if that ever happened, though I never actually believed it could. And all of a sudden, I feel mortal. I feel that something that was within my reach, might not actually be.

In a way, the fact that I realized that before the exam itself is a good thing. At the very least, I had the chance to think about what my alternatives would be. I had the chance to take in the fact that I could fail and it was much, much better that it happened during the last few days, than it would be if it happened tomorrow.

In the end, it is what it is, a small step that could lead to something... or not. Be it as it may, it'll be a footnote in the grand scheme of things.

This ordeal, as hard as it has been, has proved to be an invaluable experience. I should be thankful. Not a whole lot of people get the chance I have. Also, I should be most thankful for a very special person that has kept me together through all of it. She will probably never read this, but she'll always have my deepest thanks, my most sincere respect and my most profound love and admiration. I don't say this lightly. It is with a heavy heart that I know I'll have another problem to solve soon, albeit of a different nature. Like they say... one day at a time.

So, we'll see what happens tomorrow. As far as I'm concerned, I can't wait any longer. I just want to be done with it. And then? Then we'll see...

Slow beginning to a long day.

Truth is, I'm tired. It's been months and weeks of hard work, of worrying, of careful planning and consideration. The last few days have been particularly draining, though. The exam is right around the corner. Oddly enough, while I'm worried, I know it'll be ok. I've set the bar really high, that's true, and I may not actually get there. But still, my best will be enough. It may or may not change my plans, but at the very least I'll be happy that I did my best. I wish I could have a day off, my batteries are really running on empty... It's kind of incredible that I'm so cheerful while feeling so damn tired and worried at the same time.

On a more personal level, I'm as lost as I'll ever be. I made a decision that on hindsight might not have been the one to take and now I have to live with it. I may have lost my chance to be with someone truly special to me. Worst of all, I can't go back. It's what I feel I should do, though. But rationally, it could be a disaster. I have an odd feeling that I've been here before and while I'm not a psychic, I have a feeling I know what will happen soon and it doesn't look good for me. Either way, I'm a man of my word and that's the main reason I won't go back. And even if my predictions come true, who knows what the future will hold?

Like someone wise once told me, when you look back, never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience!

I just wish I wasn't experienced enough! :)

The things you leave behind.

Slow beginning to a long, long week.

I begin this week wondering at how relative things truly are. I know I don't speak the same "language" as most other people, I know that being a fan of making our choices based on our feelings isn't really a good mindset to have (not anymore, anyway). It's all about success, money, connections, power.

It's never about how nice you are, it's about how far you can go.

Over the next few weeks, I'll be faced with a tremendously hard choice to make. All the responsability on my shoulders at the moment pales in comparison to it. I really want to follow my feelings, but I know it might not be enough, or wise at all, to be fair.

I've set myself on a course that won't change, even if I want to. I've set really high goals that I wish to see myself achieve. My biggest worry, though, is getting there and feeling like I've lost more than I've gained... *

An emotion experienced by many and enjoyed by few. (Part 2)

And only a few hours later, I'm feeling much better. There's nothing like going out to ease one's mind.

Nothing actually changed, but suddenly, things look and feel a little better. I know the hardships ahead, I know that I'll be silently suffering for days to come, but I know I'll be ok.

After all, there's nothing I can't do. I was able to pull off something incredible and unheard of in her life. I have to believe that all that was for something, that it wasn't to waste, that she at least thought of me kindly over it.

It won't be easy, it never is. If it was, it wouldn't be the thing everyone ultimately searches for, it wouldn't be my life's purpose.

If I could just have my chance...

An emotion experienced by many and enjoyed by few.

There's a lot on my mind right now, but there's not that much coming out.

I can't be with whom I want to be with and it kills me. Despite everything, the glimmer of hope that this time it could be different, it just won't be. And tonight, I feel pathetic for letting my feelings be known, for letting myself be hopeful, for believing that being in love, trusting people is actually worth it.

People say a lot of things. Most of it is not what they end up doing.

Again, I don't know why I care. In about two weeks time, everything comes together. I'll finally know where I stand personally and professionally. I just wish I was there already.

When you care, you care, and the little things carry a lot of weight. Too bad I'm the only one seeing it at the moment.

It's not like the last few days were bad, they weren't. I finally came to terms with my own feelings and I finally let myself accept that I'm in love with someone that means the world to me. Sure, the circumstances aren't easy to deal with... but it's not like that ever prevented me from going ahead with it. Still, there's a lingering doubt in the air. I said it was a long shot and I let myself go with it, so I have to simply accept it and move on. I won't let the doubt consume me, though.

I may be in love, but I'm not about to let go of everything in pursuit of something elusive. Those days are long gone. So, if by any chance, I get the blessing of being loved back, great, it's something I won't let go of. But if I don't, I figure it will take at least as much time for me to love again, as this last time. And honestly, if that happens, I hope it's this time that I'll become a womanizing bastard.

"Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference."

Coming in a mess, going out in style.

A lot of time to think, that's what I had today. I know it's all I've been doing, and I know I really shouldn't, but I can't help it now, can I?

In any case, it wasn't all that bad. I did get to realize what I have to do tomorrow, to put an end (hopefully) to my misery and doubts.

I was never one to hide my feelings, my true intentions. Few people will actually believe me, but being true of heart and perfectly well intended never really helped me. As they say and I often quote, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. It sure seems to be, as I've been to hell and back several times, at least in my mind.

Tomorrow, I pour my heart out. I can't think of the consequences, I only have to be true to myself, true to what I feel is right, true to my feelings.

I guess I'll see if the pains of being true and pure of heart are worth it... because I just want them to go away...

Victims of ourselves.

This hasn't been my easiest week, by far. Still, as it's about to end, I can't help but feel oddly... okay, for lack of a better word. Sure, my attention has been somewhat divided between my studies and my personal woes (actually tilting heavily to the latter), but I feel I *might* do ok on my test. I have the skills and I don't actually fear the competition or how hard it can be. My fear, as usual, isn't about the things themselves, but about what may result from it, as I'm always, always, one step ahead of the curve.

So, in a few words, my week was all about my impending doom due to having feelings, for a change, *and* my imminent failure in the test that would heavily influence my future.

It took me a whole week to figure it out... but neither situation will be the end of me. Sure, it may trouble me to no end, feeling something for someone who doesn't necessarily feel the same way about me, and not exactly knowing what it is I feel. And yes, I don't really have much of an option except doing well on my test. But what the hell... I can't overthink everything. What will happen, will happen... and I may try and change the outcome, but I can't really control everything that is about to happen. I really can't know what will happen a month, a week, days from now. I should hope for the best and prepare for the worst. And the worst isn't anything I haven't lived before.

Always outnumbered, never outmanned.

Like a punch to the stomach, all of a sudden... everything was out of place... everything was not ok.

I really am out there. My feet aren't firmly pressed to the ground and I don't really know what I'm doing. I can't even begin to try to understand what the last few days have meant to me, I can't really find a coherent line of thought coming out of my mind at the moment.

I know what I'm feeling. I just don't want to believe it and I don't really need this right now, not three weeks from a very important moment in my life. And yet, in the last few days, it's like I don't even care... The only thing I'm reasonably sure of, right now... is that I'm setting myself up to look like such a major idiot.

Still, life will go on. I couldn't ask for a more ungrateful place to be in right now, though. I'm not really scared of getting hurt or failing miserably, I just don't want to be stuck wondering the "what if's" of the choices I'm making. But I guess that's the price you pay for a shot at... something.