Season's greetings.

Merry Xmas everyone, and a Happy New Year!

Drifting through the wind...

"There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it."

George Bernard Shaw

Customary patterns of behaviour.

We were taught to believe that everyone's equal. That you're not better than anyone else.

Of course, that's a lie.

Some ARE better than others. And there are those that recognize what makes them better and learn to exploit it to succeed.

So long and good night!

Somehow, we'll get by just fine.

Watch my face as I pretend to feel no pain.

Will we ever understand it all...?

Will I ever cross your mind?

‎"Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile with your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
...You'll find that life is still worthwhile."

The least I can do is care.

"Se calhar, o que a vida nos pode dar é um conhecimento dela que chega sempre tarde demais."

António Lobo Antunes

We can go through life pretending we don't care, pretending we don't feel the things that keep getting thrown at us. It's a comfortable proposition, no doubt, but sooner or later, something will break through and hit us.

We can wish for things that will never be and wonder how it all could be different. Truth is, though, those things will never be and nothing will ever be different.

The sooner you realize this and accept that very few people will ever deserve your respect, the sooner you'll be ok with yourself and the world around you, the sooner you'll enjoy life. Make sure you remember to laugh at yourself often. Our own miseries are probably the best reason we have to laugh. It puts perspective where we would otherwise have none.

With all that said, enjoy. We all struggle, but it's not worth it. There's always someone worth your time. To those who have been there for me, the very least I can do is care.

Just let the world we know disappear.

"Há um tempo em que é preciso abandonar as roupas usadas, que já têm a forma do nosso corpo, e esquecer os nossos caminhos, os que nos levam sempre aos mesmos lugares. É o tempo da travessia. E, se não ousarmos fazê-la, teremos ficado, para sempre, à margem de nós mesmos."

Fernando Pessoa

Lessons to be learned.

"Virtue is not knowing, but doing."

Japanese Proverb

Loose ends.

Most of the time, it's simply too difficult, too scary. It's only once you've stopped, that you realize how difficult it is to start again. So you force yourself not to want it, but it's always there. And until you finish it, it will always be.

Closure does not exist.

These bright lights have always blinded me.

"Pouca sinceridade é uma coisa perigosa... muita sinceridade é absolutamente fatal."

Oscar Wilde

You'll begin to wonder why you came.

As time goes by, a certain feeling of inevitability sets in. All of a sudden, words might not be needed anymore, it all feels like a waste of time, effort. Either that or words I thought I'd never speak come to mind. Truth is, I never wanted any of this. But there are things you simply can't control, can't predict. Sometimes, we're reminded how badly we should never say "never".

I really don't know if anything will make it any better, be it words or anything else. Maybe time and distance... but they're the two things I really don't want. But they seem ever more inevitable as days go by.

Either way, it's really out of my hands, as sad and helpless as that makes me feel.

"And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life..."

The problem with problems.

People can be extremely well educated with many years of experience, they may be successful managers who have accomplished great things, but frequently their ability to solve a problem is severely limited. That sounds like a paradox, but every time I talk to executives I’m struck by how true it is. People cannot define the problem they are trying to solve.

So that is what has been occupying my mind: how we structure and solve problems.

Every decision involves problem solving. In some cases we employ professionals who do that job -- they’re called project managers and administrators and so on. They are certainly a part of that process, but what happens when you have to anticipate an issue or when you don’t have an established process or routine to deal with it? You have to define the issue before you can pick a routine to address it.

In principle, it is a simple exercise: Define a problem, identify options, pick the best, and communicate the finding. Since the Renaissance, science has progressed using this formula. Management consultancies advocate a similar approach in their work. Yet, often managerial conversations resemble more expressions of dogma (“I believe…”) or contestants sparring on a TV general knowledge contest (“sales in the Northeast in July are double those of the entire West in December”) than informed argument.

If you look at engineering or architecture the ability of people to explain the problem they’re working on, and ask questions so they can get feedback is very high without their need to resort to either dogma or trivia. They are helped by reference to blueprints which are a highly codified way of communicating. Our equivalent in management is jargon. Like blueprints, jargon was invented to make our exchanges efficient (we all know what is meant by a “functional organisation”.) But the analogy to the blueprint ends when jargon becomes meaningless. It is also a sure way of eradicating any arguments left standing from the onslaught of dogma or trivia.

Law is often used to illustrate informed argument. Medicine is another good example. Every time doctors deal with a case, they have to define it. Before you do anything for a patient you have to define what you think the problem is and then coordinate a large array of resources to address that. You form hypotheses all the time, you take feedback, you reassess your hypotheses as you go along, you use different resources as a result and so on.

I suspect that the reason that our problem-solving ability in management is so limited is because our models of problem-solving are devoid of people while actual problem-solving isn’t. As useful as a decision tree might be as an analytical abstraction, the issue is how do you actually define a problem with the help of others around you? Who should these people be? What kind of input should you be asking from them? Which part of that input should you disregard? Which part of that input should you take into account?

People are prone to action. By the time someone can start even articulating a question they already have an answer for it. You need to ask: what is the problem you’re trying to solve and what are the possible ways that you can go about doing it?

This is an extract from Yiorgos Mylonadis’ article in the Summer 2010 issue of Business Strategy Review. Link

Nothing to lose, everything to get.

Sure, life may slip one on you from time to time, something you weren't expecting, that caught you offguard. How you lift yourself up and keep moving forward is what's really important, though. Deep down, you lost nothing and you still have a whole lot to look forward to, probably more than you'll ever expect.

Here's to a good week! Have fun! *

Lost your balance on a tight rope, lost your mind trying to get it back.

Great last few days. But, deep down, the things left unsaid don't really make it easy on me and eventually, come back to haunt me. I don't know what's going to happen and I wish I did...

Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything and everybody believed in you?

Nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.

"Speak less to the people you love the most, 'cause if they cannot understand your silence, they can never understand your words."

William Shakespeare

Nobody's fool.

It's amazing to see how things that took forever to build can crumble to the ground in an instant. It's not surprising, though. I'm kind of used to not being shown the same respect I've always tried to show everyone else. But there's always someone you don't expect would do that to you.

Truth is, this is a fucked up world. Common decency no longer applies. It's about how much fucked up you can be, the more, the better. People don't want to be with someone good, they want to be with someone dangerous, so to say. Feelings don't apply, as well. It's much simpler living for the now, for the immediate pleasure and fun, than worry about the future, or where it'll lead you. Nobody really cares if they trample everyone around them on the way. Friendship isn't what it used to be, either. Friends are convenient relationships people build. When it suits them, it's fine. When it doesn't, there's no real problem in throwing it away, like the disposable thing people perceive it to be nowadays.

As for me, I still fall to the illusion that things can be different, from time to time. They can't. I won't change the world around me on my own. They say that if you can't beat them, join them. I won't do that either. I'll do you one better, though:


I'll prove that I'm better than most.

That's just how the story unfolds...

"Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along."

Jalal-Uddin Rumi (1207-1273)

Can we go back to when everything used to matter?

I keep on struggling but slowly and surely, life moves on.
In the end, we are more important than anything else, our goals and objectives can't be held over any other things. I know I can't stop. I can't put other people as a priority over what I want to achieve.

That's the theory. It couldn't be farther from what I feel deep inside, though.

My mind is in the right place, my soul is not. I feel this fire burning inside me, telling me that a certain someone is the one I care about... the only one I care about. It's kind of funny how wildly out of control this has thrown me. On the one hand, I sure find it amazingly beautiful that I can love someone this much. It's a wonderful feeling, caring about someone. Ideally, that would be it. It isn't. As much as I'm in awe of her, of what she means to me, I can't let it stop my life, grind it to a halt. Gladly, as much pain and confusion all this has caused me, I still have reasons to smile. Not the ones I wanted, but having some is always better than having none.

With all that said, it's hard denying my heart a simple wish, that I want to be with her, simply because I do love her... :)

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars...?"

I could really use a wish right now...

I'm at a loss for words. I'm thankful to the very few friends that have been lending me a hand, putting up with me and trying their best to make me feel okay, to not feel alone. I didn't have such a bad day because of them and only because of them.

It wasn't such a bad day and tomorrow, hopefully, will be a little better.

I have to feel a little proud, a little happy with myself. I have no real reason to feel this loss inside of me. Sure, things aren't easy, are not going to be from here on out. Yes, I don't have her love and I wish I did. But we have this hugely important friendship, something that I'll treasure for the rest of my life. These months have been incredibly life-changing to me and I can see it now. She touched my life in more ways than I can describe and I'll always cherish everything she is to me.

I'm not perfect, I made mistakes and I learned from them. Above it all, I lived this moment like I meant it. We are only as important in people's lives as the ways in which they can remember what we did for them. And I'm really proud of the friend I always was, always have been. I didn't actually do anything wrong. It simply wasn't meant to be, not right now.

My sorrow and sadness are a little deeper than that, though, and the tears do really come out at night. I'm not in a simple place in my life. My emotions run high, right now. All my hopes and dreams came out to play. So much has changed, I really don't know what to do with them.

Still, I could really use a wish right now...

We cannot tear out a single page of our life, but we can throw the whole book in the fire.

I finally opened my heart and poured my soul out. Not exactly how I wanted to do it, not exactly in the right setting, or with the right frame of mind, but I did it. I couldn't hold it in me any longer. Truthfully, I feel much better. It's like the weight of the world was taken off my shoulders. Sure, deep inside, I feel miserable, but at the very least, I don't have this huge thing inside of me, eating away all that was left of my soul.

I had no illusions, honestly. I knew. Still, it's rather hard listening for the 100th time in my life that I'm a very special person, but. There's always that but. It's not that I don't understand where this comes from, I do. It's just that having heard that so many times, I end up feeling like I was always good, just simply not good enough, for anyone. And that makes me wonder what "good" or "special" actually means.

It won't be easy, moving forward. But slowly, I'll pick up my pace, even if I have to crawl out of here...

"Nunca é demasiado tarde para seres aquilo que devias ter sido." (George Sand)

We build, then we break.

This was the worst weekend in recent memory. I'm not okay, and it's my own doing. I've been making mistakes, one after the other. And as constant as the sun rising and setting, we get what we bargained for.

I'm hurting, badly. And I don't know what to do...

The beating of our hearts.

It's not easy looking for happiness when you let go of the things you want.

I'm an idiot. I really am. Time and time again, I find myself in the midst of these situations, filled with impossible odds, a lot of unavoidable circumstances and immeasurable feelings. You would have thought that I had learned my lesson by now. I haven't. I'm willing to let go of everything I badly want, just for the pious reason of it being the best thing for everyone except me.

I think and I see, and I think again. I ponder every little detail, every little problem, over and over again. It's in my nature to do so. I wallow in my own misery doing so. I'll never be able to grab the moment and do what I want, regardless of the consequences. It's simply not "the right thing to do".

That's all my life has been about, doing the right thing, for everyone, at every corner. It was never about me. Not when it mattered, at least. This tendency to go out of my way to solve everyone's problems will eventually be the end of me. When I care about people, I do really care, regardless of what it will do to me. It's wrong.

It's not wrong in the sense of divine justice, so to say. But it's wrong for me, my life, my personal sense of happiness and well being. I'll always either be with my conscience killing me, or, more likely, be miserable about it.

It's hard for me to breathe today. I feel like I was punched in the stomach. I feel the things I care the most crumbling in front of me. I feel that the inevitable is coming, that I will soon lose every chance to actually be with the one I want. And the truth is, there's nothing I can do about it. I lie, there is. But it means tossing away the only good things that make me who I am. It's a moral dilemma.

Ultimately, it won't matter. I'll always care more about her well being, than my own. It was never a choice. I'll end this like I started it, I'm an idiot.

Elogio ao amor (Miguel Esteves Cardoso - Expresso)

"Há coisas que não são para se perceberem. Esta é uma delas. Tenho uma coisa para dizer e não sei como hei-de dizê-la. Muito do que se segue pode ser, por isso, incompreensível. A culpa é minha. O que for incompreensível não é mesmo para se perceber. Não é por falta de clareza. Serei muito claro. Eu próprio percebo pouco do que tenho para dizer. Mas tenho de dizê-lo.

O que quero é fazer o elogio do amor puro. Parece-me que já ninguém se apaixona de verdade. Já ninguém quer viver um amor impossível. Já ninguém aceita amar sem uma razão. Hoje as pessoas apaixonam-se por uma questão de prática. Porque dá jeito. Porque são colegas e estão ali mesmo ao lado. Porque se dão bem e não se chateiam muito. Porque faz sentido. Porque é mais barato, por causa da casa. Por causa da cama. Por causa das cuecas e das calças e das contas da lavandaria.

Hoje em dia as pessoas fazem contratos pré-nupciais, discutem tudo de antemão, fazem planos e à mínima merdinha entram logo em "diálogo". O amor passou a ser passível de ser combinado. Os amantes tornaram-se sócios. Reúnem-se, discutem problemas, tomam decisões. O amor transformou-se numa variante psico-sócio-bio-ecológica de camaradagem. A paixão, que devia ser desmedida, é na medida do possível. O amor tornou-se uma questão prática. O resultado é que as pessoas, em vez de se apaixonarem de verdade, ficam "praticamente" apaixonadas.

Eu quero fazer o elogio do amor puro, do amor cego, do amor estúpido, do amor doente, do único amor verdadeiro que há ,estou farto de conversas, farto de compreensões, farto de conveniências de serviço. Nunca vi namorados tão embrutecidos, tão cobardes e tão comodistas como os de hoje. Incapazes de um gesto largo, de correr um risco, de um rasgo de ousadia, são uma raça de telefoneiros e capangas de cantina, malta do "tá bem, tudo bem", tomadores de bicas, alcançadores de compromissos, bananóides, borra-botas, matadores do romance, romanticidas. Já ninguém se apaixona? Já ninguém aceita a paixão pura, a saudade sem fim, a tristeza, o desequilíbrio, o medo, o custo, o amor, a doença que é como um cancro a comer-nos o coração e que nos canta no peito ao mesmo tempo?

O amor é uma coisa, a vida é outra. O amor não é para ser uma ajudinha. Não é para ser o alívio, o repouso, o intervalo, a pancadinha nascostas, a pausa que refresca, o pronto-socorro da tortuosa estrada da vida,o nosso "dá lá um jeitinho sentimental". Odeio esta mania contemporânea por sopas e descanso. Odeio os novos casalinhos. Para onde quer que se olhe, já não se vê romance, gritaria, maluquice, facada, abraços, flores. O amor fechou a loja. Foi trespassada ao pessoal da pantufa e da serenidade. Amor é amor. É essa beleza. É esse perigo. O nosso amor não é para nos compreender, não é para nos ajudar, não é para nos fazer felizes. Tanto pode como não pode. Tanto faz. É uma questão de azar.

O nosso amor não é para nos amar, para nos levar de repente ao céu, a tempo ainda de apanhar um bocadinho de inferno aberto. O amor é uma coisa, a vida é outra. A vida às vezes mata o amor. A "vidinha" é uma convivência assassina. O amor puro não é um meio, não é um fim, não é um princípio, não é um destino. O amor puro é uma condição. Tem tanto a ver com a vida de cada um como o clima. O amor não se percebe. Não é para perceber. O amor é um estado de quem se sente. O amor é a nossa alma. É a nossa alma a desatar. A desatar a correr atrás do que não sabe, não apanha, não larga, não compreende.

O amor é uma verdade. É por isso que a ilusão é necessária. A ilusão é bonita, não faz mal. Que se invente e minta e sonhe o que quiser. O amor é uma coisa, a vida é outra. A realidade pode matar, o amor é mais bonito que a vida. A vida que se lixe. Num momento, num olhar, o coração apanha-se para sempre. Ama-se alguém. Por muito longe, por muito difícil, por muito desesperadamente. O coração guarda o que se nos escapa das mãos. E durante o dia e durante a vida, quando não está lá quem se ama, não é ela que nos acompanha - é o nosso amor, o amor que se lhe tem. Não é para perceber. É sinal de amor puro não se perceber, amar e não se ter, querer e não guardar a esperança, doer sem ficar magoado, viver sozinho, triste, mas mais acompanhado de quem vive feliz. Não se pode ceder. Não se pode resistir. A vida é uma coisa, o amor é outra. A vida dura a vida inteira, o amor não. Só um mundo de amor pode durar a vida inteira. E valê-la também."

How far would you go?

A most eventful week, so far. My exam is done and while the result wasn't fabulous, it's not that bad and I can be reasonably proud of my achievement. I was expecting a bigger sense of relief, greater inner peace, after it was done, though. Truth is, this was a step into the unknown. I have many, many possibilities right now, and none of them will satisfy me completely. Why? Quite simply, each choice comes with its specific drawbacks, things that I have to leave behind in order to pursue said choice.

Honestly, I know that something will have to give, that, in the end, I'll end up losing something... :(

Life will always have its cruel circumstances. Moments which will leave us hurting, for one reason or the other. Fact is, we can't have it all. I know what I want, what my heart tells me to do. The problem lies there, actually... rationally, I know it's not the thing to do. It's not all about me. It's about those I love, the one I love. I can't and won't be selfish to the point of thinking I should have my way. Life is all about compromises, it has always been, and I made my main compromise a long time ago. I'd rather lose something, than make someone lose something because of me. I can't ask anyone to sacrifice for me. It's sad, though... but I hope that, somehow, those same circumstances that will prevent me from being with who I want to be with, will eventually work themselves out.

Though I feel troubled and torn, I'm equally happy. I feel priviledged to have met such an extraordinary woman, living such an extraordinary life, a woman of such character, personality and will to live and help those around her. It really isn't fair to her to describe her in words that simply do not convey how fenomenal she is. There are still remarkable people out there.

I really need some days off. I'm going to try not to think about anything, try and enjoy a couple of days of relative peace and quiet. But it won't be easy, will it?

Why do we miss what we never had?

In the end, it makes you who you are.

And here it is. The day has finally arrived.

Truth is, I'm glad. Whatever the result, I couldn't deal with it any longer. My last few days were simply terrible. I put my heart and soul into this, gave up on a lot of things to have a shot at something truly amazing. The thing is... feeling like I might not get there tore me down. It was always going to be a very big personal failure for me, if that ever happened, though I never actually believed it could. And all of a sudden, I feel mortal. I feel that something that was within my reach, might not actually be.

In a way, the fact that I realized that before the exam itself is a good thing. At the very least, I had the chance to think about what my alternatives would be. I had the chance to take in the fact that I could fail and it was much, much better that it happened during the last few days, than it would be if it happened tomorrow.

In the end, it is what it is, a small step that could lead to something... or not. Be it as it may, it'll be a footnote in the grand scheme of things.

This ordeal, as hard as it has been, has proved to be an invaluable experience. I should be thankful. Not a whole lot of people get the chance I have. Also, I should be most thankful for a very special person that has kept me together through all of it. She will probably never read this, but she'll always have my deepest thanks, my most sincere respect and my most profound love and admiration. I don't say this lightly. It is with a heavy heart that I know I'll have another problem to solve soon, albeit of a different nature. Like they say... one day at a time.

So, we'll see what happens tomorrow. As far as I'm concerned, I can't wait any longer. I just want to be done with it. And then? Then we'll see...

Slow beginning to a long day.

Truth is, I'm tired. It's been months and weeks of hard work, of worrying, of careful planning and consideration. The last few days have been particularly draining, though. The exam is right around the corner. Oddly enough, while I'm worried, I know it'll be ok. I've set the bar really high, that's true, and I may not actually get there. But still, my best will be enough. It may or may not change my plans, but at the very least I'll be happy that I did my best. I wish I could have a day off, my batteries are really running on empty... It's kind of incredible that I'm so cheerful while feeling so damn tired and worried at the same time.

On a more personal level, I'm as lost as I'll ever be. I made a decision that on hindsight might not have been the one to take and now I have to live with it. I may have lost my chance to be with someone truly special to me. Worst of all, I can't go back. It's what I feel I should do, though. But rationally, it could be a disaster. I have an odd feeling that I've been here before and while I'm not a psychic, I have a feeling I know what will happen soon and it doesn't look good for me. Either way, I'm a man of my word and that's the main reason I won't go back. And even if my predictions come true, who knows what the future will hold?

Like someone wise once told me, when you look back, never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience!

I just wish I wasn't experienced enough! :)

The things you leave behind.

Slow beginning to a long, long week.

I begin this week wondering at how relative things truly are. I know I don't speak the same "language" as most other people, I know that being a fan of making our choices based on our feelings isn't really a good mindset to have (not anymore, anyway). It's all about success, money, connections, power.

It's never about how nice you are, it's about how far you can go.

Over the next few weeks, I'll be faced with a tremendously hard choice to make. All the responsability on my shoulders at the moment pales in comparison to it. I really want to follow my feelings, but I know it might not be enough, or wise at all, to be fair.

I've set myself on a course that won't change, even if I want to. I've set really high goals that I wish to see myself achieve. My biggest worry, though, is getting there and feeling like I've lost more than I've gained... *

An emotion experienced by many and enjoyed by few. (Part 2)

And only a few hours later, I'm feeling much better. There's nothing like going out to ease one's mind.

Nothing actually changed, but suddenly, things look and feel a little better. I know the hardships ahead, I know that I'll be silently suffering for days to come, but I know I'll be ok.

After all, there's nothing I can't do. I was able to pull off something incredible and unheard of in her life. I have to believe that all that was for something, that it wasn't to waste, that she at least thought of me kindly over it.

It won't be easy, it never is. If it was, it wouldn't be the thing everyone ultimately searches for, it wouldn't be my life's purpose.

If I could just have my chance...

An emotion experienced by many and enjoyed by few.

There's a lot on my mind right now, but there's not that much coming out.

I can't be with whom I want to be with and it kills me. Despite everything, the glimmer of hope that this time it could be different, it just won't be. And tonight, I feel pathetic for letting my feelings be known, for letting myself be hopeful, for believing that being in love, trusting people is actually worth it.

People say a lot of things. Most of it is not what they end up doing.

Again, I don't know why I care. In about two weeks time, everything comes together. I'll finally know where I stand personally and professionally. I just wish I was there already.

When you care, you care, and the little things carry a lot of weight. Too bad I'm the only one seeing it at the moment.

It's not like the last few days were bad, they weren't. I finally came to terms with my own feelings and I finally let myself accept that I'm in love with someone that means the world to me. Sure, the circumstances aren't easy to deal with... but it's not like that ever prevented me from going ahead with it. Still, there's a lingering doubt in the air. I said it was a long shot and I let myself go with it, so I have to simply accept it and move on. I won't let the doubt consume me, though.

I may be in love, but I'm not about to let go of everything in pursuit of something elusive. Those days are long gone. So, if by any chance, I get the blessing of being loved back, great, it's something I won't let go of. But if I don't, I figure it will take at least as much time for me to love again, as this last time. And honestly, if that happens, I hope it's this time that I'll become a womanizing bastard.

"Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference."

Coming in a mess, going out in style.

A lot of time to think, that's what I had today. I know it's all I've been doing, and I know I really shouldn't, but I can't help it now, can I?

In any case, it wasn't all that bad. I did get to realize what I have to do tomorrow, to put an end (hopefully) to my misery and doubts.

I was never one to hide my feelings, my true intentions. Few people will actually believe me, but being true of heart and perfectly well intended never really helped me. As they say and I often quote, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. It sure seems to be, as I've been to hell and back several times, at least in my mind.

Tomorrow, I pour my heart out. I can't think of the consequences, I only have to be true to myself, true to what I feel is right, true to my feelings.

I guess I'll see if the pains of being true and pure of heart are worth it... because I just want them to go away...

Victims of ourselves.

This hasn't been my easiest week, by far. Still, as it's about to end, I can't help but feel oddly... okay, for lack of a better word. Sure, my attention has been somewhat divided between my studies and my personal woes (actually tilting heavily to the latter), but I feel I *might* do ok on my test. I have the skills and I don't actually fear the competition or how hard it can be. My fear, as usual, isn't about the things themselves, but about what may result from it, as I'm always, always, one step ahead of the curve.

So, in a few words, my week was all about my impending doom due to having feelings, for a change, *and* my imminent failure in the test that would heavily influence my future.

It took me a whole week to figure it out... but neither situation will be the end of me. Sure, it may trouble me to no end, feeling something for someone who doesn't necessarily feel the same way about me, and not exactly knowing what it is I feel. And yes, I don't really have much of an option except doing well on my test. But what the hell... I can't overthink everything. What will happen, will happen... and I may try and change the outcome, but I can't really control everything that is about to happen. I really can't know what will happen a month, a week, days from now. I should hope for the best and prepare for the worst. And the worst isn't anything I haven't lived before.

Always outnumbered, never outmanned.

Like a punch to the stomach, all of a sudden... everything was out of place... everything was not ok.

I really am out there. My feet aren't firmly pressed to the ground and I don't really know what I'm doing. I can't even begin to try to understand what the last few days have meant to me, I can't really find a coherent line of thought coming out of my mind at the moment.

I know what I'm feeling. I just don't want to believe it and I don't really need this right now, not three weeks from a very important moment in my life. And yet, in the last few days, it's like I don't even care... The only thing I'm reasonably sure of, right now... is that I'm setting myself up to look like such a major idiot.

Still, life will go on. I couldn't ask for a more ungrateful place to be in right now, though. I'm not really scared of getting hurt or failing miserably, I just don't want to be stuck wondering the "what if's" of the choices I'm making. But I guess that's the price you pay for a shot at... something.

A very long shot...

It's pretty clear that I've grown disillusioned with most things in life, over the years. It is what it is. Our lives will always be filled with happy, fun moments, as well as sad and depressing ones in equal measure. How we deal with it defines who we are, how we are perceived by everyone, how much we can live with ourselves. It is a struggle for some, while others seem to hover above it all...

Me, I always chose to be in the thick of it. I was never one to be happy with how things were, with the status quo. I was never one to shy away from my responsabilities as a lover, as a friend, as a man. Most of the time, I was taken down by it all, but I have long since realized that it made me who and what I am today.

Therefore, it's not entirely surprising to me that in the middle of one of the most important periods of my recent life (one of the most stressful, too), I've found myself going out of my way to make it all that much harder.

I'm torn, I really am. In a time of my life I should be as focused as I can possibly be, I've let my guard down and began to have feelings. Even more contradictory, in a time of my life when I don't actually trust anyone (few, very few exceptions), I've gone ahead and let myself be "touched" by a gentle smile, by the kindness and open arms someone has shown me. Rationally, it's obvious that it's going to be hard, a truly long shot, and I shouldn't be letting myself get carried away like that. Worse, it will mess around with my plans for my immediate future. So, in a weird way, I kind of wish I fail swiftly and without delay. But hey, if the world was rational, it would certainly be a fairer place, wouldn't it?

I have to admit, though... it's pretty fun and exciting feeling something, even if I don't know exactly what it is and I hate not knowing how it's going to play out...

A filosofia da simplicidade.

in Jornal de Negócios, por Helena Oliveira

Passamos a vida a tentar encontrar a felicidade mas, na verdade, aprendemos com muito mais facilidade a ser infelizes.

Tentamos arrumar as várias dimensões da nossa existência em compartimentos estanques, quando todos eles têm corredores que se cruzam. Esforçamo-nos por rotular os acontecimentos como bons ou maus, em vez de os aceitarmos e enfrentarmos na sua essência. Skrimar Rao, uma nova estrela filosófica da gestão, explica como tudo pode ser simples, mesmo que não seja fácil.

Sim, sabemos que o ano foi duro, que o próximo poderá ser ainda pior e que se ainda não está de férias, a contagem decrescente para uns dias de descanso parecer-lhe-á tão lenta quanto as perspectivas de melhoria da nossa economia. Entre despedimentos, aumentos da carga de trabalho, maus ventos provenientes da Europa, impostos e um sem número de turbulências que apenas contribuem para um sentimento de insegurança crescente, os ambientes nos locais de trabalho não estão propriamente convidativos. E até os milhares de títulos de auto-ajuda oferecendo dicas e conselhos milagrosos para mudar as nossas vidas começam a encher-se de pó nas prateleiras das livrarias.

As grandes empresas (grandes porque ainda se podem dar ao luxo de adjudicar um orçamento para motivar os seus empregados) desdobram-se em iniciativas, do “coaching” ao “teambuilding”, de retiros nos mais recônditos locais do planeta, passando por terapias do riso até à contratação dos já denominados “coachers” da felicidade. Tudo para animarem as hostes no local de trabalho.

Este artigo conta a história de Skrimar Rao que, no presente século, tem um estatuto nos cursos de MBA equivalente ao de uma estrela de rock. A partir de um curso cujo programa foi inteiramente desenhado por ele e que se denomina “Criatividade e Mestria Pessoal” [Criativity and Personal Master y – CPM], o professor que em 1999 fazia um trabalho académico pouco estimulante numa universidade desconhecida, é agora convidado para partilhar os seus ensinamentos em algumas das melhores escolas de negócios do mundo, como é o caso da Columbia Business School, a London Business School ou a Haas Business School. E, onde quer que ensine, o professor ganha ondas de entusiasmo genuíno e um sem número de testemunhos extraordinários por parte dos seus alunos que atestam a forma como uma disciplina, incluída num tradicional programa de MBA, pode mudar a visão que temos da vida.

Para além do mais, passou a ser convidado pelos tais gigantes empresariais que acreditam que é possível estimular novos comportamentos, aumentar a produtividade e, mais importante que tudo, animar os colaboradores.

Mais um curso de auto-ajuda que, por acaso, já deu origem a dois best-sellers? Rao e o seu clube de seguidores garantem que não. Aliás, o CPM é o único programa específico de MBA que possui a sua própria associação de alumni e Rao é um céptico confesso de todos os cursos e livros que oferecem as curas para os males da vida. Como o próprio afirma, não inventou a roda, apenas olhou para ela de forma diferente. E, na base de todo o sucesso, reina um princípio extremamente simples: o da gratidão.

A falsa dicotomia

Uma das premissas contra a qual Rao se esforça por lutar diz respeito ao facto de as pessoas passarem a maior parte das suas vidas a aprenderem a ser infelizes, mesmo quando lutam pelo seu inverso.

E um dos factores responsáveis por esta propensão diz respeito à tendência que as pessoas têm para compartimentar as suas vidas: há uma vida no trabalho, outra pessoal e uma outra qualquer. Erro! A vida que temos é só uma e não é preciso ser-se um génio para se saber que quando um dos aspectos dessa vida una que se tem não está bem, as implicações nos demais são inevitáveis.

Uma outra característica que distingue Rao é o facto de não acreditar no pensamento positivo, uma das modas que mais vendeu nos últimos dois anos. Em entrevista à Fast Company (e cuja editora que o entrevistou frequentou o seu CPM), Rao afirma que “o pensamento positivo é extremamente sobreavaliado e pode, muitas vezes, vir a ser prejudicial”. E o problema reside no próprio nome.

Pensamento “positivo” implica que qualquer coisa que aconteça, e quando a consideramos como “má”, somos obrigados a exercitar o tal pensamento positivo para que dela retiremos algo de bom mesmo que seja o maior dos infortúnios. O que pode ser, de acordo com Rao, extremamente esgotante e, na maioria das vezes, não funciona nem serve de nada.

E é também neste elemento que o professor chama a atenção para uma outra tendência que temos no decurso das nossas vidas: a de constantemente rotularmos as coisas como “más”. E dá um exemplo: imagine que é um engenheiro civil que precisa de construir uma estrada. E, no caminho, encontra um pântano. Que não é bom nem é mau, mas é simplesmente um pântano. O que o engenheiro tem de fazer é utilizar a sua energia para descobrir como é que vai ultrapassar esse terreno pantanoso e não lamentar a sua existência. Basicamente, não é bem a mesma coisa que utilizar o pensamento positivo, mas mais o criativo. O professor afirma ser útil transportar este exemplo para as demais áreas da nossa vida e que, a partir daí, lamentaremos muito menos os pântanos que nos vão aparecendo pela estrada fora.

O professor acredita igualmente que todos temos capacidade para construirmos uma vida na qual podemos alcançar a plenitude. E, apesar de pensarmos que somos dependentes de factores externos o que, em parte, é verdade, somos muito mais dependentes da atitude mediante a qual encaramos a vida.

Um outro conselho básico é eliminarmos os “ses” da nossa vida. “Se eu tivesse mais dinheiro, seria muito mais feliz” ou “se o meu chefe fosse mais acessível, eu gostaria muito mais do meu trabalho”.... Para Rao, o modelo do “condicional” é absolutamente imperfeito, porque coloca sempre uma condição externa – o “se” – no controlo do resultado.

O que o professor “obriga” os seus alunos a fazer é a desafiarem o “status quo”, a olharem de forma diferente para as suas carreiras, para os seus desafios profissionais e para a vida no geral. E, afirma quem lhe bebeu as palavras que, terminado o curso, os alunos aprendem uma forma inteiramente nova de definir o sucesso e o fracasso.

Se, até agora, nada do que foi escrito lhe parece longe das técnicas “eficazes” dos livros de auto-ajuda, a ideia é mesmo essa. Os conceitos parecem simples porque as verdades básicas também o são.

“O maior ensinamento que retirei das aulas do professor Rao foi que as coisas mais importantes da vida são simples, embora não necessariamente fáceis”, como testemunha, no “site” de Rao, um antigo aluno. E darmos graças, todos os dias, nem que seja por alguns segundos diários de felicidade que tenhamos tido, é meio caminho andado para encararmos a vida de outra maneira. Mais especificamente, o professor pede aos seus alunos que, todas as noites, identifiquem duas ou três coisas pelas quais se sintam gratos.

Novos modelos mentais precisam-se

Como escreve o próprio professor no seu “website”, este é um curso sobre “criatividade”, sobre a mente humana e o seu enorme potencial. Mas, mais do que tudo, este é um curso concebido para se descobrir o propósito da vida de cada um. O professor não mostra o caminho, mas ajuda a desenhar o mapa. E esta nova orientação é absolutamente necessária para aquilo que Rao acredita vir a ser a empresa do futuro.

Para o professor, esta será a que se dedicará a assegurar que todos os que tiverem qualquer tipo de contacto com ela poderão alcançar um potencial muito mais significativo do que até agora. O que inclui colaboradores, consumidores, fornecedores e a sociedade no seu todo. Não nos devemos esquecer que a nova geração que está agora a entrar no mercado de trabalho tem maiores níveis educacionais, é muito mais consciente das escolhas que pode fazer e muito menos permeável a receber ordens, principalmente aquelas com as quais não concorda.

Os novos trabalhadores exigem também muito mais significado no trabalho que prestam, em detrimento dos grandes desafios aos quais, até agora, davam primazia. E, como alerta Rao, se as estruturas da gestão não se alterarem de forma a acomodar estas novas exigências, irão simplesmente transformar-se em migalhas até desaparecerem. É por isso que um dos objectivos do curso – não esquecendo que está integrado num programa de MBA – lida especificamente com questões como as do desenvolvimento dos valores pessoais, com a ética, a integridade e com o já mencionado alcançar desta mestria ou controlo pessoal. E, um dos enfoques prioritários é perceber e resolver os conflitos existentes entre valores pessoais e acções no local de trabalho. O que, convenhamos, nem sempre é fácil.

Daí que as características entre o perfil normal de um MBA e a filosofia do curso de Rao sejam diametralmente opostas:

O resultado é tudo o que interessa: notas altas, um emprego “high profile” e, obviamente um cheque bem chorudo ao final do mês. Pelo contrário, a perspectiva de Rao privilegia o processo e não o resultado, com enfoque para as acções que têm de ser tomadas, independentemente dos iscos materiais.

Para um gestor que se preze, o risco e agressividade são sempre recompensados. Rao aponta para o seguinte paradoxo: quanto mais insistir nestes conceitos, menores são as hipóteses de alcançar o que pretende (o seu verdadeiro propósito).

O meu trabalho, o meu MBA mais do que prestigiante, a minha riqueza, é o que me define. Lembre-se, aconselha Rao, que todos interpretamos um papel, mas que não somos esse papel.

Tem tudo a ver com dinheiro, mesmo que não goste do que está a fazer. Errado. Não tem a ver com o dinheiro (aliás, se tiver, é porque está mesmo com problemas). Está sim, relacionado, com o porquê e o como do que está a fazer.

Um MBA prestigiante, um emprego bem pago, uma vida confortável. Esta é a minha realidade. E fico furioso quando isso é posto em causa. Atenção, diz o professor. Os modelos nos quais opera NÃO são a realidade.

Para Rao, as escolas de negócio de topo da actualidade são mais instituições doutrinárias do que educacionais. Não encorajam os estudantes a questionar as noções básicas com as quais nos habituámos a viver durante longos anos, tais como se o consumo é assim tão benéfico ou se dar às pessoas múltiplas escolhas realmente aumenta a sua qualidade de vida. Será que sim?


Para a nova estrela filosófica do mundo da gestão, as escolas de negócios precisam de encarar os seus estudantes enquanto seres humanos e não somente como meros dentes da roda da máquina que fornece talento fresco às grandes empresas. E só com uma crise ainda mais perturbadora do que a última – que Rao acredita que irá acontecer brevemente – é que finalmente se iniciará uma nova era de verdadeira mudança. Onde o propósito da vida terá de ser radicalmente repensado.

I'll never forget, I'll never regret.

The last two weeks weren't easy, at all. I feel drained and seriously needing some time away. Sadly, that isn't happening anytime soon. One of the most important days of my life so far is approaching fast and I'll admit, I've been feeling more and more anxious everyday. I'm confident that I can do ok, that I can get the results I want... I just hate the wait.

In the meantime, everything keeps going...

Even worse, as if things weren't crazy enough as they are, I fear I may be about to make them a little more complicated. I wish I could be as simple-minded as some. But I'll never be something I'm not, even if I get rejected for it, as I have before.

Some have it easy, some don't... and some make it hard on themselves inadvertently.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Maya Angelou

Here's your lifeline...

I don't really think there are "honest" feelings anymore. When we were younger, maybe, but as we grow older things get a lot more complicated and mixed up. Everyone has an agenda, their own collection of interests and goals in life that they wish to pursue. Rarely will they come at no expense to the relationships we have with others. It's simply easier to move forward if we grab on to those around us, even if it means we'll hurt them in any way. It's a tragedy, really, that some of those around me chose this "easier path".

But, you have one life... whatever you do with it, whatever has been done to you, you have to deal with it and move forward. You have to live your life well.

And I do. I live an extraordinary life of tremendous highs and lows, balancing what I should and what I want to do in life, loving those around me, missing those that are not around any longer, those that have left me. Above everything else, I live a bittersweet life of desperate hope and hopeful despair, an unending tale of victories and defeats.

When everything is said and done, I hope I'll be able to say that I lived my life well, that I've done important things, that I've loved and cared for those important to me. I hope I'll never let things unsaid.

And yet, it's all just beginning... *

We all fall short of glory.

I haven't had a lot of easy days lately. Marcel Pagnol once wrote:

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."

I couldn't agree more. We tend to cling on to things of the past, suffer in the present and tend to be afraid of the future. I'm tormented. Not by things of the past, but by my inability to always be strong, to always be positive. Truth is, I miss something.

When all else failed, my friends were there to pick me up. It was like that for years. Now, not so much. The very few people I can actually count on, really have more to worry about than about my well-being. All my other friends are long gone. And even though I feel people care for me and more and more people come into my life, I can't help but feel lonelier than ever before. Worse even, I don't feel a thing... and haven't felt anything in a long, long time.

Life is indeed funny. When we think we don't need anyone, it finds a way to tell us that indeed we do. I have no doubt that I will carry on forward either way, but it keeps getting harder to think clearly.

Here's hoping for a relaxing weekend! *

You know it's better that way...

"We won't break, we won't die, it's just a moment of change..."

I feel empty, I truly do.

The stars in the sky illuminate below...

Well, it was truly one of the worst days in recent times... One of those where you feel like your day has started on the wrong foot and just kept getting worse and worse by the hour.

As awful as it was, I want to simply think of it as what it was, one bad day. There's much to do in the next few days, weeks and months, and I simply can't afford to wallow in self pity. And like I said in one of my last posts, I just need to pick myself up, be confident in my capabilities and that, while it will be difficult, I will do my absolute best to succeed.

Now, I really need to get some sleep...

Don't think, just do.

You can ask the universe for signs all you want. Ultimately, we only see what we want to see when we're ready to see it.

I've wasted so much time over the years trying to figure out exactly what my life actually meant, it's actually funny. But that's all it was, a waste of time. We will never truly comprehend what it all means. More and more, I'm finding that we can be happy if we just let it go, if we simply don't care enough about things to try to always understand them to death.

These last few months were a good wake-up call for me. Through the years, I've always relied on others to achieve a sense of balance in my life, to try and even everything. Truth be told, I've always looked for someone to help me move forward, be it a lover, be it a friend or a family member. While we'll never be whole living alone, while we'll never be all we can be without friends and family, being reliant on others is not the way forward, it is not how I'll ever be truly happy. People will inevitably disappoint you, that's a fact I've stated over and over again. It's not a character flaw, everyone fails to live up completely to someone's expectations. So, while it saddens me to see less and less people in whom I really trust as the years go by, it served its purpose.

The first step towards being in a good place in our lives is to be okay with ourselves. More than that, we can only truly love someone and find happiness if we are perfectly confortable with who we are. I've always tried to be perfect. Mind you, I was always very far from it, but I've always tried to be the most polite, honorable and principled person I could be. I've always tried to live up to the most ideal values in a society which honestly doesn't value them as much as it should. With that said, it is quite obvious that I've failed tremendously in what I was trying to achieve, in two different points of view: on the one hand, as much as I tried to be *perfect*, there is no such thing. It's pretty much a doomed quest, and while I always enjoyed an impossible challenge, I should've seen the obvious and spare me the trouble. On the other hand, while I tried to be the nicest person I could be, not feeling perfect often resulted in frustration and disappointment. That, in turn, made my life miserable. While it's true that I probably was a very decent person over the years, I was never ok with myself. I was never good enough, I could never feel I was going anywhere in my quest to be better.

Basically, I took a wrong turn somewhere. Happiness and peace of mind aren't the sole possessions of those that are perfect (if there is such a thing). Those two things are achievable once we start living our lives to their fullest, knowing full well that every day is a struggle, that nobody's perfect and that mistakes and disappointments are all part of the game. There's so much to be happy for, seriously.

My biggest realization is that it's okay to be an ordinary person. You can push yourself to the limit trying to be perfect for everyone you know, but in the end, not everyone is looking for perfection, not everyone finds perfection so alluring. Paradoxally, by not caring obsessively about being more than you are, you end up being better, by simply being yourself. And that's all I've been lately. Myself. My virtues and my flaws. My problems and my good moments.

I'll always try to be as decent a person as I can be. I'm not one to live my life as a lie, I'm not one to be disrespectful with anyone. However, I can't be everything for everyone. I will let people down. I will fail miserably at times. But I'm more than enough of a decent human being to be able to pick myself up and be proud and take confort in who I am.

I've started to live a simpler life. Unburdened by the weight of everyone's expectations, by my very own desire to be unreasonably more than what I am. I'm living my life, taking chances, not thinking twice about everything. Above all else, I'm perfectly okay with myself, more than anytime in my life, I dare say.

And the best of all? I'm reaping the rewards already! :)

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

And so it begins.

That's question number one on this essay I have in front of me. I'm kind of torn between the answer I want to give and the one I should. It's kind of funny, if you think about it... five years ago, I wouldn't really say that I'd be where I am right now in my life. Five years ago, my hopes and dreams don't really match to what I'm living at the moment. Not that I'm in a bad place, in any way. I just expected more. Granted, I was aiming high...

So, what the hell can I expect five years from now? I know where I want to be professionally, but I'll leave that for the essay. Personally, I honestly can't predict anything. Things have changed gradually over the years, my life has changed. People came into it, people left. I've laughed, I've cried, I've loved, I've hated. I've learned to expect my life to change at any moment, for any given reason, because that's how it works. One day you think you have your life figured out... and on the next one, you wake up to find that everything is wrong and it all got taken away. As the years go by, you deal with it. You eventually deal with so many things over time, that you end up carrying a lot of baggage. At times it will seem like a good thing and every so often, it won't... it will simply feel like an unbearable burden. All things considered, it's the people we love and our very own ambition to make something out of life that might, just like that, make us feel like our baggage isn't quite as heavy anymore. Like everything else, it's easier when someone gives you a hand with it.

My honest answer to the question at hand? I don't really know where or how I'll be, but I'd really like to be happy.

Easy isn't always simple.

Isn't it wonderful when you finish your day knowing that you did good, that it was a really full day? :)

Sadly, while my day was pretty straightforward, a lot of people around me have their lives in turmoil. Worse still, I find myself in the middle of things I don't exactly want to be in. And that brings me to my point... I can offer a shoulder to cry on, I can offer my understanding and honest opinion, but other than that, it's none of my business.

Everyone has problems, issues. Rarely can we see them clearly, when we're hit by them. With that said, at least for now, I see my life pretty clearly. I know what I want, what I don't want. Through it all, I'm becoming a cold-hearted bastard. While it saddens me, going through life like an elephant in a china shop, I don't have a choice. I'm tired of dealing with everyone's problems. It's time for me, it's time to live my life and enjoy it.

I'll always lend a hand to someone in need. Just don't expect me to take his/her problems as my own. Not anymore.

And tomorrow will be another great day! :)

Believe in yourself, or no one else will.

I haven't felt the need to write in quite a while, which is a testament to the weeks of relative peace and quiet that I've been living. Honestly, I think I've just been numb to everything that has been happening around me or done to me. I simply don't care.

For all the good things happening, for all the people coming into my life, for all the successes and joys of life, a lot has been crumbling to the ground around me. It's nothing new. For a few months I've seen it coming and have suffered with it. Now, whenever yet another chunk comes falling into the ground and breaks into little pieces, I'm not surprised, I'm not sad, I'm just empty and numb... and life goes on.

At the very least, the last few months have proved how little I have to gain by staying around. I've learned that I'm surrounded by hypocrites, liars. That no one actually trusts one another, that people will go to any lengths to achieve whatever shallow goals they have, sacrificing things like friendship, trust, morals in the process. I've learned that family isn't an important part of you life, family IS your life and you probably can't trust anyone or anything outside of it. I find it harder and harder to believe anyone, these days... and you can't blame me for that. Words are just that... empty vessels when used by someone with no values, no heart.

Again, I'm not sad or feeling like my world is falling apart. It isn't, in fact. I'm just annoyed that everyone seems to be acting irrationally, these last few weeks, months. Learning to be by myself, basically, hasn't been easy, but it's been fun, I have to admit. And even if I can't trust them, meeting new people is always interesting... particularly if you go about your business not caring about any of it. Oh, and yes, people do notice you if you don't care about them. Funny thing indeed... *

I'd like to make myself believe...

Such a great day! Everything fell oddly into place and what could've been just another day turned out to be a very good one indeed.

Usually, on such a good day, I'm not one to spend it writing and dwelling on thoughts of past, present, future. Today, however, I write about taking chances, grabbing opportunities when they present themselves. I'm more and more becoming the person I want to be. I'm happy, I really am. I always had everything I needed to do whatever the hell I wanted, and yet fear, awkwardness, sheer stupidity, always prevented me from acting, from being more proactive about what I wanted in life, instead of simply hoping and dreaming for everything to be perfect while I drifted through life wondering what was next.

I don't yet know exactly what this change (albeit, gradual and slow) actually means. But so far, I do feel very confortable being who I am. Truth be told, I am who I am and will always be. Also, I'll always question the meaning of life, of everything. I just have to become someone I can live with. And I actually think I'm succeeding! :)

I find myself shooting first and asking questions later, so to speak... or, more literally, acting first, (over)thinking later, and it's quite a nice change of pace.

Last, but not least, I find myself taking chances on people... and as much as I distrust them naturally, I feel like no one can really hurt me.

Have I told you what a good day it was? :)

"Everything is never as it seems..." :)

Tell me what you want to hear...

And just like that, out of the blue, a glimmer of hope straight from the past... :)

Life does indeed work in mysterious ways.

Sooner or later, the people you love let you down.

What's the point?

The more you try to help someone, somehow, the faster you'll be burned. And the funny thing is... the person doing the burning might not be someone you'd expect. Life is indeed filled with an awful lot of twists and turns we will never anticipate, we will never understand or accept. It is what it is, though.

No one is above reproach. We make mistakes. Fact. With that said, no one should feel free to throw the first stone. In the end, it only makes you look bad. The last couple of days were awful, really. Out of a very unusual and unexpected series of events, I learned that a few people I consider to be true friends, are actually not.

Truth is, I'm troubled and sad. But at the same time, not surprised... and in retrospect, I should've seen it coming. I don't really ever demand anything from my friends... but I expect them to be loyal and open with me. If they have a problem, they should come out and say it. Otherwise, we go into the realm of lies and deception... and I have no desire to go there. Well, problem is, we're there already.

While some might choose to play that game, I do not. I will never be cynical to the point of lecturing others on where the blame lies. I will not be an hypocrite and pretend all is well. So, while it hurts me badly to know that I really have almost no one left to trust, I really don't care. I will lick my wounds and keep on going. As it turns out, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I made my mistakes, but I will not bear the brunt for other people's failed lives. I've been played and burned before... so this time, I won't sit idly by. If anyone wants a fight, they'll get a fight.

At the end of the day, I realize people are overrated. You can never trust or count on anyone but yourself. Nevermind helping others, you'll only get thrown in the crossfire and probably shot in the back. And that's exactly how I feel tonight...

Just let it sink in.

"There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always gonna want to make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side.

It's all about the climb."

No, I will not let you down...

There's something that has been clear to me for quite some time...

I was born in the wrong place, at the wrong time.

It's the little things that make your day :)

Forget for a moment all you ever wanted, all your big plans, all the good things you want to do tomorrow, next month, next year. Forget how you're gonna get there. Stop making life-altering decisions. Don't think big.

True happiness is in the simple, little things. :)

If you don't know something, it can't hurt you.

I find myself drawn to a certain sense of melancholy, apathy, tonight. It's not uncommon for me to feel like this on a Sunday night, but tonight it's a particularly intense feeling. I'm just empty, devoid of feelings, seemingly disconnected from everything and everyone. Worse still, I'm not entirely sure I'm as empty of feelings as I believe I am... maybe, just maybe, I simply don't want to unearth them, out of fear, out of a probable inability to deal with them. For all the effort I put into simply not feeling a thing, there's one side of me that really wants to cling to any semblance of a feeling. Like I said, I really don't know, I really don't want to care.

Ignorance is indeed bliss. Sadly, that's only one side of it... the doubt, the uncertainty of not knowing will eventually eat away at you, wear you down to the breaking point. I wouldn't say I'm there yet, but I have been feeling worn out.

Hopefully, a new week will bring something good. At least I'm hopeful, and that's never a bad thing... :)

Asking questions, searching for answers.

Honestly, I've been speechless for the last couple of days. I know there are many things I'll never understand and I know I'll always struggle with that... but lately, I've found myself time and time again finding it very hard to understand people and the way they react to obvious truths.

I can talk for hours about how people should really keep it simple, but the truth is we aren't made for simple things. Our lives are complicated and people don't really trust things that are easy, we will never really accept them.

With that in mind, I'm really tired of people coming up to me as if I was some sort of "relationship fireman". I like helping out others whenever possible. What I don't like is seeing people I care about making mistakes, time and time again, even though I had warned them repeatedly about it. It makes me wonder if I should even bother. I have my own issues to worry about and I simply can't carry everyone's troubles on my back. Sadly, my social life as of late has consisted mainly of me having to put out fires, so to speak. It's not my intention to be arrogant and self-centered but damn, can't people ever make smart decisions?!

I'm not exactly an example. Time and time again, I took all the stupid and naive paths I could have taken. But that was a long time ago. I'd like to think I'm a lot more pragmatic and cautious in everything I do in this regard. Yet everything I've been seeing around me is people making a mess out of absurd situations, simply because they either didn't think beforehand or they didn't care. Then, they deal with the consequences. It's frustrating to see that happening, annoying even. But I did my best to help out whenever possible. I simply have to care less and less about these things. People will do stupid things, all the time.

I won't hide it. I'm struggling. My friends used to be my safe haven. My weekends with them, the time and space I needed to wash away the frustrations of my weekly life. But things changed somewhat... I find myself with fewer and fewer true friends. I'm tired of the drama surrounding us all the time. I'd like to take action, but I really don't know what or how to do it. I often feel like I'm surrounded by people that have either gone mad, or are just acting stupid.

Truth be told (and I quote), "We don't know why we're here, we don't really know what to do, but we still search for answers. And we often fail, even with the best intentions in mind". I'm still looking for my answers...

Fear not for the future, weep not for the past.

After a couple of pretty decent days, in which I've done nothing of what I'd set out to do, I guess I'm ready to go back to my scheduled routine. Pretty much like New Year's Eve, my birthday and the days immediately before and after are days in which I wonder a lot. Basically, I can never get my head around the fact that I'm as old as I am, that time flew by so quickly, that somehow, I was supposed to be elsewhere doing something else. It sounds stupid, but it's the same every year. :)

As expected, this year I pretty much can't think of myself as being 28 years old. Seriously, I feel like I got into college just a year or two ago and it has been like ten. People I met in the meantime seem so *new* in my life, yet I've known them for 6, 7, 8 years. Still, for everything that's familiar during these days, through all the years past, this year I find myself pretty much in a new chapter of my wondrous life... :)

It's not like all my problems are solved, no. Things are pretty much as complicated and messy as they ever were. Yet it's a different kind of complicated and messy. On a professional level, I'm kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm not entirely happy with the way things have gone these last few months, but I'm still pretty well off, particularly if you consider everyone else. I can't seriously have any complaints. I work on my own time, I make more than enough to waste in every little thing I please and still have plenty to spare. Yes, it frustrates me at times, because my projects could be doing much, much better, but that's just being unrealistic.
On a personal level, all sorts of unexpected things have been happening. Some good, some bad. Simply put, I still haven't found what I'm looking for. For the most part, it saddens me, because I really could use some emotional balance in my life, a purpose. But, even as that has always saddened me, I've learned that, sometimes, you're better off alone than being in a relationship that you know has no future and will invariably lead to disappointment for any of those involved. I'd rather not hurt or get hurt in something ultimately meaningless. Besides, in all honesty, a relationship now would be so very complicated for me, as my plans are to leave, and be away for quite a while. And being single has its advantages, of course!

Above all else, this was a great year for me, even if I take into consideration every little setback, disappointment, etc. My immediate plans are laid right in front of me... and while I know plans never work quite as they were planned, I feel I can reach my objectives if I just make a little effort. It's not always simple, that's a given... my mind often wanders, and I never make it easy on myself. I'll always suffer with everything around me, but in a way that's what gives me an unique perspective of things, of life in general... and ultimately, that's what defines me as a person, as a man.

And you know what? I'm pretty comfortable with who I am. I'm a pretty decent human being. :)

Yes, I'm 28.

Yeah :) It's my birthday! \o/

I'm gonna go celebrate as best as I can! :)*



P.S.: Wonderful article on the NYTimes... read it if you're interested in this sort of thing :) Article...

Into the night.

I'm not ok.
It's not that anything is terribly wrong, but I feel tired, exhausted really, seriously lacking hours of sleep and reasons to feel great about everything.

Maybe tonight I can breathe for a while... *

The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

Back from London.
Renewed focus and determination, is what I brought from there. At the same time, though, I came back consumed with bitter feelings of anguish, sorrow.
I realize I'm on a one-way path. I have my choices to make, but I know my life won't ever be easy, simple and it most likely won't be spent here after this next summer.
I came back realizing that fulfilling lifelong dreams and ambitions is harder than it seems and usually means letting go of things you care about.

Where do you find the balance between all you want to be and all you have to leave behind?

I have no clue, as usual.

Oh, how I'd like to be somebody else entirely...

P.S.: Pardon my inconsistency tonight, but I'm exhausted. Words aren't really coming out as they should at the moment... still, my incoherent thoughts might still amuse you, lol.

Oh, and by the way...

Not everything is bad news! :)

^.^

P.S.: Those are TOEFL iBT scores, for those who didn't know.

Everything's upside down

The most prevalent thought in my mind these days is simply "has everyone gone mad?".

Honestly, look around you. News every hour spew new information everyday about how politicians (one in particular) are trying to control the media, and nobody actually seems to care. That specific politician's approval rating has actually gone up (!) these last few days. That I wasn't very hopeful about this country's future is no big secret, but really... no one cares. I even heard a couple of colleagues of mine today arguing that this controversy is being created by some in the media and that the wiretaps serving as the basis for it are simply innocent conversations and shouldn't be up for public scrutiny.
Seriously?! I'm open to all political considerations to be had on this case, but accusations (pretty well substantiated, in my humble opinion) that the government wanted to use public money, through public or semi-private companies to acquire private companies in a bid to control independent media is enough to land those responsible in serious trouble in any decent country.
What the hell is wrong with you people? :|

Seriously, everything and everyone seems to be going crazy these days...
I've been having all these troubles and disappointments with people who are close to me, these last few weeks. When all seemed to be getting better, we're back to square one. I really need to stop worrying about everyone else. It's not worth it.

I need to stop. I need to get my things together, think of my ultimate goal and simply don't let anything get in the way. People are overrated. There are those, very few, that actually matter. Everyone else is an hopeless cause.

This could really be a good life, if I just let it :)

We know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

A brief note before I begin, I'm completely hungover, so bear with me.

I've been very frustrated over the last couple of days... people tend to disappoint you, that's an universal truth. You never expect it to be one of your closest friends, though. Last night, in particular, was tough on me for one simple reason... seeing things being done, things I strongly disapprove of, and not be able to say anything, do anything completely ate me from the inside.

This is mostly about values... dignity, honesty, friendship, respect. I will never consider myself to be morally superior to anyone, but I'd like to think I live my life according to a set of morals and values that were taught to me and that I really believe should be the basis of everyone's actions. So, you might argue that I think my values are better than those of those around me... You're probably right. Call me old-fashioned, I don't care.

So, with that in mind, when I see people deceiving someone I care about, when I see people tossing out of the window all the respect for their friends, I'll surely be upset, to say the least. That's the kind of actions I get to see everyday, from people I either don't know or don't care about. It annoys me, yes, in the sense that I'll always suffer with all the wrongs in the world, but in the end, it doesn't concern me. When the people involved in such things as I described are my friends, things take a turn for the worst. I find myself sadly trusting less and less people everyday.

Where do I fit in exactly? I don't really know.

Live life to the fullest and don't let it be a secret to the ones you love that you love them.

So much gets lost along the way.

First steps. That's what last week was all about. I finally began to walk the path I've set out for me a long, long time ago. I won't hide that I'm feeling troubled over it, but I have to keep going. My future is in my hands, and my hands alone.

Everything is working out pretty good in my life recently, I have to be honest. Still, it could have been so much better, really, had I opened my eyes a little sooner. And that's mostly what has been troubling me, the fact that my "life plan" needs to keep adapting to my mistakes. I know making plans is always an exercise in uncertainty... and that most of the time, whatever you got planned will not play out exactly as expected. Still, I think about all the ideas, thoughts, dreams I had for myself over the last few years and hardly any of them actually became true.

Tonight I find myself trying to do something I've always had a hard time doing... letting go.

What I'm feeling comes from understanding that I could be so much more than what I am right now. It's not arrogance, it's a fact. I know what I'm capable of, and somehow, I know that I'm limited by everything that surrounds me. My resolve in these last few months, the will to break free from all my past issues comes from there. I really want to be everything I can be.

I lost a lot along the way... and yes, my dreams, goals brought me disappointments, sorrow and heartache. But somehow, I'm still here. I guess we're bound to live our lives licking our wounds and living to fight another day. I am and I've been fighting for myself. I came too far already to give up on me. Tomorrow, I'm waking up with a smile on my face, knowing I've been giving my best and that no matter what the future holds, I'll be more than okay.

Like the title says, so much gets lost along the way. Simply let it go.

"Nothing great in the world ever gets done without passion."

Hegel

Where have all the *normal* people gone?

I've been stuck with that question on my mind for the last few days. Truth is, it still amazes me how silly (to say the least) people can really be. What's a *normal* person, anyway? :-\

Case in point: women.



I'm always surprised at how women can turn the most simple and straightforward thing into something complicated, chaotic. I'm no stranger to making things that are simple look overly complicated. In fact, I mastered it for years. Still, with the things I've been seeing lately, I'm a rookie compared to most women I know. A woman's brain seems unable to process simple things. It has to mash a ton of otherwise different and distinct problems into one big, giant mess for it to actually have any kind of meaning. By that stage, men will inevitably be scratching their heads, wondering what the hell happened to that simple issue that was right in front of them.

This may all sound very lyrical, but it's not that far from the truth, I think. Last Saturday I had to put up with two distinct groups of female friends, with each of them annoying me to no end. Their issues are irrelevant. In fact, that night, 5 mins after they started talking, they were already irrelevant to me. Hearing a 30-year old woman screaching like a bat every 2 minutes will do that to you. Again, where have all the normal women gone to?

The reason I'm actually writing this now is because this isn't an isolated incident. I've been meeting a lot of women over the last few months... and still, they are all either crazy, unstable, paranoid, whinny, futile, materialistic, immature, childish or simply problematic. I haven't met a single woman that I can safely say is a mature, balanced person. Even worse than that, most women I've been meeting seem to be stuck with the same mentality they had when they were 17. Women mature earlier, they say... yeah, right.

Women have every right to complain about men. They will argue that men in general are scum, worthless bastards that will inevitably disappoint them. To be entirely honest, there's a certain degree of truth to that. Still, women are partially to blame for that. After all, isn't chivalry dead? Why is it so? Simply put, women don't really care about that any longer. At least, they don't seem to. We live in a futile world, with little to no values left in people. That seems to be the norm nowadays.

I've strived to be and feel normal all these last few years. Damn, was I wrong... I don't want to be normal, like every other idiot out there. If I am to be one, at least I'll be a different idiot, and proud of it as well.

But... I wish I knew where all the normal people went... :)

Looking down at all I see.

A few hours ago I laid my eyes on what is possibly one of the most beautiful things I've seen in a long, long time. In a sudden burst of emotion, I was hit with mixed feelings of self-doubt, amazement, awe and bitter sadness. Why? Quite simply because I know, deep in me, that I'll never be able to have such a perfect thing in my life.

Maybe I'm not as immune to feelings as I think I am.......



It's so damn hard fighting for something there's a good chance you won't be able to achieve, without any kind of support, encouragement.

Sadly, I'm on my own...
I've known about it for a while, but I'd still like to believe that maybe, maybe, I could rely on someone to help me go through a challenging period of my life. Truth is, I can't. Most people will be sympathetic to your struggles, to your problems. Very few will actually take the time to listen to you. Even fewer will lend you a hand. People are selfish, that's just the way it is.

I'm not actually sad, nor depressed. I'm just angry and dissapointed. But above all else, I'm determined to go on. With every setback, I'll fight back harder than ever before... even if it's hard not letting it get to you, I'll admit.

Yes, I'm on my own. It's not like anyone cares...

The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.

And so it begins. 2010 is upon us. I wish you all a very, very good year.

With that said, I begin my year feeling that everything old can be new again. I'm going to be having a very tough January, starting tomorrow morning. I'm actually eager to get everything started, mostly because I know that whatever happens in the next few weeks will most likely determine what my year is going to be, possibly even what the next few years of my life are going to be. Yes, there's a lot of pressure, but I'm actually hoping to shape things the way I want them.

I've said it before, I hate the New Year's Eve night/party. It gets me thinking about what I've done over the last year, it gets me nostalgic and pretty much sad (because there's always a LOT I know I could've done better). Still, I had an interesting night, almost unexpectedly so. May the fact that it was different from every other new year's eve party mean that maybe this year is going to be a good one! :)

I'm hopeful, but I am perfectly aware that this year is going to be full of challenges. I know it's going to be very hard to get everything I want, everything I've set out to do over the next few months. But it all has to begin somewhere... and here's hoping tomorrow is that day.

Happy New Year! *