Everything old can be new again.

Growing up, I always knew what I wanted to be. Things were clear, life was simple. I simply had no idea of what it was going to be like, and as they say, ignorance is bliss. The first thing I truly learned was people will disappoint you. It's not like everyone has an hidden agenda, but everyone has their own personal reasons for everything they do. Intentionally or not, someone will get hurt as you or I pursue our very own interests. I hadn't really thought of it before and as a result, my view of the near-perfect world collapsed in front of me.

It struck me badly. It took me so damn long to recover, simply because I couldn't get anyone to help me, nor could I expect anyone to do so. At that age, you don't really look around and ask a lot of questions, you just want to live your life to the fullest. The crushing dissappointment and the solitude that ensued haunts me to this day.

A trivial "problem", a simple teenager's issue with life in general and girls in particular turned from what it should have been, as an idiocy that should have been quickly forgotten, into a life changing experience that caused me to lose focus, to wander aimlessly though life and nearly losing myself in the process.

Slowly, I put things back together, piece by piece. I ended up having my fair share of fun, I ended up living my life pretty decently, surrounded with a bunch of people, experiencing things... it was never what I dreamed I would be doing, but it was the best I could get, given the circumstances.

I spent the last few years feeling sorry for myself, for the choices I made, apologising for the opportunities I had, affraid to take chances, affraid to lose control.

Someone very close and dear to me told me a few months ago that it was no wonder that a certain person had done to me what she had done, just because I always rationalize things, I always analyze them to death, I'm always logical, always trying to do what's right, acceptable and so I became predictable and ended up alienating everyone that would otherwise express some interest in me. This was sent to me in a message I still have on my phone and regularly read, to remind myself of how people perceive me.

I never had to hide that I feel lonely, that I feel frustrated. My life was supposed to be something it's not. In a way, I have never let go of the childhood dreams. It sounds silly, but it's true. Every now and then, hope in a better, brighter future pops up in my life, yet it always seems to end in bitter pain and dissappointment. Try to understand that I feel lost between two very opposite worlds...

On the one hand, if I took life on a daily basis, caring for no one but myself, I would end up racking up professional and academic achievements, but would otherwise feel like crap at the end of the day, every single day. This was how I lived my life before April 2008. On the other hand, if I take chances, if I let myself get taken by my emotions, I'll be happy for a time, I'll get things done, I'll dream of what's next and then it will all probably go to waste, leaving me probably worse than what I was before it all began. I don't know if it's just unlucky or if I'm just an idiot, but those are the two choices that have been popping up in and out of my life.

I don't regret anything that I've done. That isn't to say I couldn't have done it better, because I could, but that I've always acted the way I thought it was best for everyone. That's right, I never really thought about me, my interests first. I've always expressed how proud I am of that, mostly because it's just about the only thing I can be really, intimately proud of. It is, without a doubt, my greatest personal achievement, the thing I can be proud of myself but no one will ever really notice or care about. Sadly, that means I'll often get crushed under what everyone wants and I'm getting pretty used to that.

And so I get to where I am now... today I stumbled upon this chinese saying:

"One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it."

I desperately want to find my inner peace. I'll get it when I find myself not alone anymore, fulfilled in every single aspect of my life. I have no illusions, pain, sadness, loss, dissappointment... everything is indeed a part of everyone's life. I have found myself dealing much better with these things during these last few months. It isn't always easy, as it hasn't been this past week, but I'm confident everything will be alright. Somehow, life will smile upon me. The people who truly care about me will still be with me, those that don't, will simply leave.

I just want to feel safe, cared for. Is it really too much to ask? *