A very long shot...

It's pretty clear that I've grown disillusioned with most things in life, over the years. It is what it is. Our lives will always be filled with happy, fun moments, as well as sad and depressing ones in equal measure. How we deal with it defines who we are, how we are perceived by everyone, how much we can live with ourselves. It is a struggle for some, while others seem to hover above it all...

Me, I always chose to be in the thick of it. I was never one to be happy with how things were, with the status quo. I was never one to shy away from my responsabilities as a lover, as a friend, as a man. Most of the time, I was taken down by it all, but I have long since realized that it made me who and what I am today.

Therefore, it's not entirely surprising to me that in the middle of one of the most important periods of my recent life (one of the most stressful, too), I've found myself going out of my way to make it all that much harder.

I'm torn, I really am. In a time of my life I should be as focused as I can possibly be, I've let my guard down and began to have feelings. Even more contradictory, in a time of my life when I don't actually trust anyone (few, very few exceptions), I've gone ahead and let myself be "touched" by a gentle smile, by the kindness and open arms someone has shown me. Rationally, it's obvious that it's going to be hard, a truly long shot, and I shouldn't be letting myself get carried away like that. Worse, it will mess around with my plans for my immediate future. So, in a weird way, I kind of wish I fail swiftly and without delay. But hey, if the world was rational, it would certainly be a fairer place, wouldn't it?

I have to admit, though... it's pretty fun and exciting feeling something, even if I don't know exactly what it is and I hate not knowing how it's going to play out...