A most eventful week, so far. My exam is done and while the result wasn't fabulous, it's not that bad and I can be reasonably proud of my achievement. I was expecting a bigger sense of relief, greater inner peace, after it was done, though. Truth is, this was a step into the unknown. I have many, many possibilities right now, and none of them will satisfy me completely. Why? Quite simply, each choice comes with its specific drawbacks, things that I have to leave behind in order to pursue said choice.
Honestly, I know that something will have to give, that, in the end, I'll end up losing something... :(
Life will always have its cruel circumstances. Moments which will leave us hurting, for one reason or the other. Fact is, we can't have it all. I know what I want, what my heart tells me to do. The problem lies there, actually... rationally, I know it's not the thing to do. It's not all about me. It's about those I love, the one I love. I can't and won't be selfish to the point of thinking I should have my way. Life is all about compromises, it has always been, and I made my main compromise a long time ago. I'd rather lose something, than make someone lose something because of me. I can't ask anyone to sacrifice for me. It's sad, though... but I hope that, somehow, those same circumstances that will prevent me from being with who I want to be with, will eventually work themselves out.
Though I feel troubled and torn, I'm equally happy. I feel priviledged to have met such an extraordinary woman, living such an extraordinary life, a woman of such character, personality and will to live and help those around her. It really isn't fair to her to describe her in words that simply do not convey how fenomenal she is. There are still remarkable people out there.
I really need some days off. I'm going to try not to think about anything, try and enjoy a couple of days of relative peace and quiet. But it won't be easy, will it?
Why do we miss what we never had?
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