I can't be with whom I want to be with and it kills me. Despite everything, the glimmer of hope that this time it could be different, it just won't be. And tonight, I feel pathetic for letting my feelings be known, for letting myself be hopeful, for believing that being in love, trusting people is actually worth it.
People say a lot of things. Most of it is not what they end up doing.
Again, I don't know why I care. In about two weeks time, everything comes together. I'll finally know where I stand personally and professionally. I just wish I was there already.
When you care, you care, and the little things carry a lot of weight. Too bad I'm the only one seeing it at the moment.
It's not like the last few days were bad, they weren't. I finally came to terms with my own feelings and I finally let myself accept that I'm in love with someone that means the world to me. Sure, the circumstances aren't easy to deal with... but it's not like that ever prevented me from going ahead with it. Still, there's a lingering doubt in the air. I said it was a long shot and I let myself go with it, so I have to simply accept it and move on. I won't let the doubt consume me, though.
I may be in love, but I'm not about to let go of everything in pursuit of something elusive. Those days are long gone. So, if by any chance, I get the blessing of being loved back, great, it's something I won't let go of. But if I don't, I figure it will take at least as much time for me to love again, as this last time. And honestly, if that happens, I hope it's this time that I'll become a womanizing bastard.
"Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference."
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